NBA Playoffs Conference Semifinals Predictions

Bulls over Hawks in 7
Heat over Celtics in 7
Thunder over Grizzlies in 5
Lakers over Mavericks in 7

Stanley Cup Playoffs Conference Semifinals Predictions

Capitals over Lightning in 6
Bruins over Flyers in 7
Canucks over Predators in 7
Red Wings over Sharks in 7

Intermission Report

I'm pretty burned out after being swept by the Celtics so I'm taking the week off. I know that many of you will be unable to survive without finding out who the Jabroni of the Week is, but you're going to have to make due. In the meantime, I'm going to work on redesigning The Suite a bit. Maybe move some sofas around to make room for a jacuzzi.

The Celitcs series was like a dream that turned into a nightmare. To top it off, we still didn't win a playoff game. After 10 years, it's unacceptable. I'm still optimistic. We have two of the top 15 players in the league and they'll have the whole summer to get in sync and add complementary pieces. Usually after one of my teams gets booted from the playoffs, I don't want to think about it. In this case, it's different. I wish they were playing right now. I can't wait until October (or longer). The first time I saw the Knicks lose a playoff series, it was back in 1991 against the Bulls. I still remember my mom trying to explain that the Knicks weren't playing games anymore. I was sad then and I'm sad now. There are still important questions to answer. On the top of the list is whether Donnie Walsh is coming back. He may have his differences with ownership, but he's the man for the job and he needs to finish it. It would be ridiculous not to bring him back. He's intelligent, patient, and resourceful---great qualities for somebody who's putting together a basketball team. Yeah, he's not perfect but nobody is. After that, it has to be decided who's going to coach the team. Coach D didn't do himself any favors by getting swept.

I'll be back next week. Stop complaining. If you need to kill some time, go on Redtube.

Rangers 2011 Postmortem

Capitals 3, Rangers 1
Capitals win series 4-1

The Rangers are like an ugly girl with huge tits. No matter how revolting she is, she's always going to get attention from guys because of those boobies. Henrik Lundqvist is that set of double D's.

Jabroni of the Week: AntiMalware Doctor Virus

I've had my computer for seven and a half years now. That's like 94 in computer years. I love it, though. We've been through a lot over the years. Working on papers till four in the morning. Paris Hilton's sex tape. And of course, The Suite. That's why it broke my heart when my computer came down with the AntiMalware Doctor virus while I was looking for potential Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum Girls.

Emma Roberts: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

 

Scream 4 had its share of detractors but nobody can say anything bad about Emma Roberts. Girl has a killer body. And despite her good girl image, I think she's got a little naughty hidden in there. I really liked Scream 4. It was probably the weakest film of the franchise but I liked the direction it went in. It just didn't get there smoothly. It was long, too self-aware, and tried to be too funny. I'm old fashioned. All I need is a Jamie Kennedy monologue, Rose McGowan's tits, and some kills, and I'm happy. With that said, the ending was great and I liked how the recent spate of horror remakes and celebrity culture played into the movie. And of course, my girl Emma. She beats Aunt Julia anytime. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

PhillieBot Bounces First Pitch, Will Replace Joe Blanton

When I heard that a robot was going to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game, I thought it was pretty cool. I assumed it was one of those crazy Japanese robots that can walk and fall in love and stuff. Then, I found out it was going to throw out the first pitch at a Phillies game and was named PhillieBot. My hopes were considerably lowered. PhillieBot turned out to basically be a catapault, which would have been cool if this was the Dark Ages. Somebody should have told the dorks at UPenn. It couldn't even reach the plate. This seriously may have been the lamest thing I've ever seen besides all the Eagles fans who think their team is going to win the Super Bowl every year. Still better than Carl Lewis though. At least we know robots won't be taking over the world for a while.

Knicks-Celtics Game 3 Quick Reaction

Celtics 113, Knicks 96
Celtics lead series 3-0 

They overwhelmed us from the opening tip. Swallowed us whole. This is what I was worried about from the beginning of the series. The Knicks looked they were trying too hard. They were slow to adjust and rotate on D. Pierce and Allen were hitting their shots. The Celtics were getting every call and bounce but the Knicks didn't do anything to change that. They didn't handle the pressure of hosting their first playoff game in seven years very well. It's disappointing because I was hoping they would come out and crack some heads, but everyone looked tight. The ball was being forced to Amar'e early on and he was pressing a little too much, but he must be hurting. Nobody handled the situation well. Nobody stepped up and took charge. Maybe not having a veteran like Chauncey out there hurt. The only excuse I can offer is that the officiating was poor but that's not a good excuse. I'm not giving up hope on the series. The Knicks have to play with pride on Sunday and match their intensity of the first two games. If they keep the open shots to a minimum, get to every loose ball, and catch a few breaks, they should have a chance...with or without Chauncey and Amar'e.

Olive Garden Is A Sham

I haven't felt this violated since I found out Santa Claus didn't exist. In possibly the most important investigation in its history, Time Magazine revealed that Olive Garden's famous Culinary Institute of Tuscany is really just a hotel where a chef holds an occasional class in the kitchen between sightseeing sessions for Olive Garden employees in scenic Italy. I don't know if I can ever go to Olive Garden ever again. Besides gorging myself on delicious endless breadsticks and salad, I liked knowing that all the chefs went through an intensive years-long program with some of the top cooks in the world. Now I don't know who to believe. Is the McDonald's Hamburger University an accredited four-year school? Is the New York Film Academy really the place where Brett Ratner thinks all aspiring filmmakers should go? Since I'm a forgiving guy, I'll probably end up going back to Olive Garden again but it's going to take some time. At least until the Endless Pasta Bowl.

Time

Michael Vick Regrets Nothing

Michael Vick recently gave an interview to the Wall Street Journal about his endorsement with sports-gear maker Unequal Technologies. When asked if he could change anything about the past, Vick responded that he wished he got less time in jail than his pesky 18-month prison sentence for dogfighting. Not the dogfighting itself, but the jail sentence. What an idiot. Vick still doesn't get it. Even if he doesn't regret the dogfighting, say that you regret drowning and electrocuting those poor dogs. A little success and Vick is slipping from his good-boy personality. Figures that he plays for the Eagles. Let's hope he wins as many games next year.

Huffington Post

How Did Dinosaurs Have Sex?

How did dinosaurs have sex? I thought it was in the amber? Can't wait till Katy Perry makes a video about this.

Slate

Rangers-Capitals Game 4 Quick Reaction

Capitals 4, Rangers 3 (2OT)
Capitals lead series 3-1

That was brutal. Imagine the girl you had a crush on was like "I really just like you as a friend...wait actually...no just like a friend...wait actually...no just a friend." That's what this game was like. I didn't think anything would be worse than the DeSean Jackson Eagles game but this was worse. Same scenario. We were up by three scores. First one they got back, it was because of a lack of effort. The second one was a bit of luck. And that third one. The backbreaker. They just worked for it. But then, they didn't go for the kill right away. They let us hang around for an extra two periods. Gave us hope. And then pulled it away. It just hurts because after Boudreau's comments the other day, we were really letting him hear it. It was personal. I can't bear the thought of him leaving the Garden with a smile on his face. The Rangers were plain overconfident. They kicked ass in the second period but forgot the game was still going on in the third. The first goal they gave up was total carelessness and it gave the Caps the momentum to get back into the game. It's going to be tough to win in Washington but that's two third period-leads the Rangers have blown in the series so it's far from being a beatdown. The Rangers have survived every time they've been counted out this season. Hopefully, this is another of those times.

Dodgeball Is Safe Again!

On Tuesday, the New York State Health Department released a list of dangerous games for children that included kickball, dodgeball, tag, and capture the flag. If any summer programs featured one of these activities, it would be considered a summer camp and subject to more regulations and fees. After much criticism and their friends probably calling them idiots, the Health Dept. said they would review the list and did what anybody else would do: blame the blind guy, as in former Gov. Dave Patterson. The people in the Health Dept. obviously were never asked to play games as kids and are now trying to take their childhood rage out on 10-year-olds.

Really, how dangerous is capture the flag? You look for the flag, you find it, and try to run it back to your side. Is that more dangerous than going up a flight of stairs? Maybe all summer programs should be conducted in one-story bulldings (with all the walls padded of course). This is why our society is becoming so wimpy. Let kids fall. Let them get tough. Then, if they lose their job or a girl breaks their heart, they won't become an whiny alcoholic who brings a gun into work. Life isn't all candy canes and hundred-dollar bills, sweetheart. Sometimes you have to just get some balls in your face.

CBS New York

What's Stephon Marbury Up To?

All this talk about the Knicks losing made me think of Stephon Marbury. Sports magazine GQ has an interesting article about his time in China. And it appears he got the word "China" tattooed on his arm. I wouldn't expect anything less.

Mauer & Polamalu For Head & Shoulders?

They kept showing this commercial during the Knicks game and it was pissing me off. Why are Joe Mauer and Troy Polamalu doing a shampoo commercial together? What do the two have in common? Polamalu's got the hair, but is Mauer's hair really that special for them to make a nonsensical ad together? Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?

Knicks-Celtics Game 2 Quick Reaction

Celtics 96, Knicks 93
Celtics lead series 2-0

That was another heartbreaker. It hurts more than the first game because they really shouldn't have been hanging around without Big Shot and Amar'e. Jeffries didn't make the best move ever on the final play but what do you expect from him? If anything, my big criticism is why is Roger Mason in the game? He did make a big 3 but Landry Fields was playing OK and isn't afraid to put the ball on the floor out there. The Knicks played valiantly. Carmelo was awesome, not only scoring but rebounding, playing D, and getting his teammates involved. Rondo created some problems and the big guys need to help out better although that does leave some of the perimeter guys open. Besides that, the defense has been really good. The guys are shifting and contesting every shot. If the team was healthy, I'd predict a big Game 3 but I'm afraid especially with Amar'e hurt. I liked the way Toney ran the team. It was quick and upbeat but he needs to stay out of foul trouble. Still, you miss Big Shot's experience. The crowd is going to need to come up huge for Game 3.

Kemba Walker Reads First Book

Kemba Walker, the UConn guard who led his team to the NCAA Title and is preparing to graduate after three years at school, recently realized another major life accomplishment: he read his first book. According to Sports Illustrated, Forty Million Dollar Slaves: The Rise, Fall, and Redemption of the Black Athlete by William C. Rhoden is admittedly the first book Kemba has read from cover-to-cover upon recommendation from an academic counselor. My personal first was The Little Engine That Could so I give Kemba a lot of credit for picking a tough one to start with. Apparently, you don't need to do much reading to get your sociology degree at UConn. I figured he would have majored in something easier like recreational studies. I think that's what Van Wilder did.

ESPN

Simpsons Video of the Week: Homer Eats God

With Homer desperate for tickets to the big football game, he turns to God for help. Unfortunately, he ends up violating the Eleventh Commandment: "Thou shall not eat God."

Life-Size Barbie Hotter Than Regular Girls Despite Lack Of Hands

I think I'm in love. As part of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (more food for me), Galia Slayen created a life-size doll representing what Barbie would look like if she were a real person. Barbie's measurements are 39/18/33, so I don't see what the problem is. She's not going to dominate the conversation, has a flawless complexion, and look at that rack. We just need the guy from Edward Scissorhands to make some hands for her that aren't scissors and my future wife is ready. Yeah, I like to hold hands because I'm a romantic. Barbie, come holler at me in The Suite.

MSNBC

10 Most Memorable Knicks Games

An enterprising and no doubt well-endowed young man put together a fantastic list of the 10 most memorable Knicks games of the season over at Bleacher Report. Check it out.

Bruce Boudreau Is An Asshat

Captials coach Bruce Boudreau spent the day after losing Game 3 to the Rangers trashing Rangers fans and Madison Square Garden. On a Washington radio show today, he said, "Well, the one thing, its reputation is far better than the actual building. I mean, it's nothing. The locker rooms are horrible. The benches are horrible. There's no room for anything. But the reputation of being in Madison Square Garden is what makes it famous. Also, our building's a lot louder, too. So I mean, they can say what they want, but it's not that loud in there." Now I know why his team never makes it past the second round.

The Garden is over 40 years old. It's not perfect. That's why it's undergoing a massive renovation over the summer. Sorry that your locker room isn't cushy enough, Bruce. Who the fuck do you think you are? J. Lo? You're coaching a hockey team whose greatest moment is getting swept in the '98 Finals. You think Caps fans are better than Rangers fans? I saw some awfully new looking jerseys on their fans on TV during Games 1 and 2. Dancing Larry has more passion than all Capitals fans combined. Seriously, how stupid is this? He's got a 2-1 lead in the series and now he's insulting the other team's fans. If Boudreau wants to know what makes Madison Square Garden so famous, he's about to find out.

ESPN

Trivia Time: 4/18/11 Edition

Perfect Strangers was a great TV show but never really had a huge following. I blame it on the fact that it changed time slots approximately 34 times in its eight-season run. We'll always have the Dance of Joy, though. Perfect Strangers also had a wildly popular spin-off show, which brings us to today's trivia question. The prize? Don't be ri-dic-u-lous. The answer plus a bonus video is after the jump.

What is the name of Perfect Strangers's spin-off show?

Catholic League Denounces Lady Gaga As "Irrelevant, Talentless"

Lady Gaga is under fire from Catholic League President Bill Donohue, but not for the reasons you'd think. Gaga's new single Judas has been hitting airwaves over the past week, in which she proclaims her love for the man who betrayed Jesus. She also dresses like Mary Magdelene in the video. Did I mention that Easter is this Sunday? It's fair to think that the Church would be furious but Donohue took another approach. He called Gaga "irrelevant" and the song a ploy to distract fans from her lack of talent. I didn't realize the Catholic League dished out verbal beatdowns but I love it. I haven't seen anything like this since Jesus started flipping tables over in the temple. If Bill Donohue ever leaves the Catholic League, he has an open invitation to hang out in The Suite. I wonder what the Pope thought about the whole thing. I'm pretty sure he's more of a Ke$ha fan.

UK Metro

Knicks-Celtics Game 1 Quick Reaction

The Knicks probably should have won that game. Overall, I thought they played really well. They were composed. Everyone contributed. Heck, even Ronny Turiaf made a couple of baskets. It's all for naught, though. They couldn't execute in the last few minutes. Chauncey Big Shot's injury was a killer. Hopefully, he'll be back for Game 2, but not having him out there for the last play was tough. The team looked lost out there. Obviously, the offensive foul call against Carmelo was horrendous but there's nothing you could do about it. Coach D used up all his timeouts again and it really hurt on the last possession. The final shot wasn't great but Melo is the guy that's going to take it. He should have taken it earlier to make it easier for a putback. I have no problem with a 3 instead of a 2 because you might as well go for the win instead of having to go for a win in OT on the road. Amar'e played great and was fearless taking the ball to the hole. He made KG look bad. The defense was really solid. Everyone was quick to move around. Turiaf was great especially. He's really underrated. I would love it if he could give 30 minutes a game.

The jitters should be out of everyone's system now and it's clear that these two teams are pretty evenly matched. Today was a tough loss but nobody should hang their head.

Rangers-Capitals Game 3 Quick Reaction

"A real man makes his own luck."---Dwight K. Schrute

This was a must-win and it showed. The Rangers still had their usual problems. It was a struggle to score. They held on to the puck too much instead of shooting it. But this time they had a little luck. Christensen scored a nifty little bad-angle goal, Prospal was in the right place at the right time to put back a rebound, and the puck finally bounced the right way for the winning goal. I think the real key is Dubinsky's mustache. That's a bad ass stache. The whole team needs to grow one. The goal at the end of the second period was also pretty lucky but was unfortunately apparently a tenth of a second too late. The explanation was dubious if you ask me. Three games in and the Caps have scored only six goals. Pretty good. The Rangers need to stick to their game and make sure to shoot the puck. Neuvirth is perhaps cooling down a bit, but the more the puck is going towards the net, the greater a chance for a deflection, rebound, or even just a nice bounce. As long as they hold serve at home and grow luxurious mustaches, the Blueshirts should be OK.

Not Afraid

There's a lot to be scared about. The Celtics are a good team. They know how to win. They're tough. They'll cut your heart out if you let them. But the Knicks can beat them. They couldn't do it during the regular season but they can do it now. This season has been all about overcoming fear. Not the fear of losing, but the fear of winning. It's easy to lose. There are 29 teams that are going to lose. Everything that has happened so far this year culminates tonight. The pressure of climbing the mountain is enormous, especially in New York. Amar'e and Carmelo can do it, but they need to do it together. And their guys and the fans need to be there every step of the way. Big Shot needs to stay in front of Rondo. Turiaf needs to get control the paint. Toney needs to hit his open shots. Landry needs to not play like a rookie. Everyone needs to rebound. Everyone needs to defend. There can't be any doubts or complacency. The Celtics are old but they will find a way to win. If they sense even an ounce of fear, they will take advantage of it. When the Celtics look into our eyes tonight, what will they see?

Jabroni of the Week: Jeffrey Klein

Jeffrey Klein is the state senator from the Bronx who's sponsoring a bill that would ban Four Loko and similar drinks from being sold at delis. Four Loko already stopped using caffeine. Now it's basically just a shitty alcoholic drink. And hey, you can always just mix some vodka with Red Bull. Klein argues that fruity alcoholic beverages encourage kids to drink. How does it encourage kids to drink more than a Bud Light commercial?

Jeff, baby, that's funny and it had nothing to do with beer. I'd buy tampons if that's what the commercial was selling. Speaking of which, beer is what kids are going to buy instead if you ban Four Loko. This state has so many problems. Selling Joose at Robin Raj should be the least of your worries. The subway is too expensive and it sucks. Fix that. The education system sucks. Fix that. Maybe if you did, there'd be less kids trying to get drunk and more studying for math tests. This isn't Communist Sweden. As long as the bodega down the street isn't selling crack rock to six-year-olds, stay out of its business. Until then, you're a jabroni, brother.

Rangers-Capitals Game 2 Quick Reaction

The Rangers came out with a lot more intensity tonight but couldn't convert. I liked Sean Avery's presence in the lineup but Michal Neuvirth has been better than anticipated. The Rangers were undisciplined in taking two silly penalties, one of which led to a goal, but the D overall has been fine. It's not like the Capitals are completely dominating these games. They have to come out big in Game 3 at the Garden. It's totally possible for the series to head back to Washington tied 2-2 but the Rangers need to keep the puck in the offensive end and get shots on goal.

NBA Playoffs Conference Quarterfinals Predictions

This is what we've all been waiting for. Sixteen wins to get basketball's ultimate prize. Sixteen wins to become immortal. But you can't reach the top without starting somewhere. Rory, Dat Roro Kid, and myself picked the winners of the eight opening-round series. Some might seem like a forgone conclusion, but then again, anything is possible. Again, due to my extreme, extreme bias, I won't be picking the Knicks series.

Toronto Screwjob

Just when things look like they're gonna heat up in Toronto with a little girl-on-girl kiss cam action at the 1:30 mark...heartbreak city. That's why the Leafs didn't make the playoffs. I wonder if those chicks were at the Slut Walk?

Taylor Momsen: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

If there's anything I learned about Mark Sanchez's affair with that high school chick, it's that the age of consent in New York is 17. So in this completely plausible scenario, if I catch Taylor Momsen's eye at the 17-and-over clubs that I'm known to frequent, it's not rape. I cannot do any more community service. According to my diligent research, Taylor is an actress on a show called Gossip Girl and in a band called the Pretty Reckless, which I'm sure is great. Also, the girl has legs. Hey Taylor, if you need me to buy you cigarettes, holler. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Trump vs. Cosby: Who Ya Got?

Catfight! Luckily for Rosie O'Donnell, it looks like Donald Trump has a new public enemy #1. Bill Cosby told The Today Show last week of the Donald's possible Presidential candidacy that Trump needs to "run or shut up." Maybe not the nicest thing in the world to say but it's fair enough. Trump has obviously never heard of the word "subtlety" and released a statement tearing Cosby a new one. The statement reads in part, "If [Bill] doesn’t want me to run because he’s obviously an Obama fan (racist???), he should state the reasons and not...treat me like his best friend, only to denigrate me when I’m not around."

Trump is such a bitch. He sounds like a chick whose boyfriend forgot her birthday. Check out these lines. Who says this? "I have never been a fan of Cosby's." "Based on the way he acted, things are not looking too good for Cosby." "Sadly, he got more attention talking about me than he did on the merits of his own appearance-maybe he is not as dumb as I thought." I also like how he mentions that Meredith Vieira is a great gal. Trump could never be Prez. The Prime Minister of Canada would forget to call him on his birthday and we'd be at all-out war. I'm all for an Obama-Cosby ticket in 2012. Jello Pudding Pops for everybody!

Sports Show With Norm MacDonald

Sports Show With Norm MacDonald on Comedy Central is basically Norm MacDonald doing Weekend Update but with only sports stories. In other words, it's awesome. Norm is irreverent, hilarious, and tells it like it is. Dude cuts through the BS and isn't afraid about breaking a few eggs, whether he's making fun of Tiger Woods or Barry Bonds's testicles. The show goes pretty quickly and is great for sports fans and non-sports fans alike. It's a phenomenal recap of the lighter side of the week of sports. I like Norm because he's mean but he's only mean to the people that really deserve it. I never knew he was into sports but he knows his stuff. It definitely tops Sports Soup. If you're a fan or just want to be, Sports Show is a must-see.

3 out of 4 shots

Rangers-Capitals Game 1 Quick Reaction

The Rangers played great for 54 minutes. Unfortunately, hockey games last 60 minutes (and sometimes more). King Henrik was at his best in goal and the posts were working in the Blueshirts' favor but they still couldn't steal Game 1. Washington is such a fast team and had a ton of chances to score. They came out fast at the beginning of the game and the Rangers weathered the storm. Michal Neuvirth did a lot better than I expected. His reflexes were quick and he stopped most of the Rangers' best chances. The one goal he allowed was a great one, though. Brandon Prust did a nice job controlling the puck, Wojtek Wolski made an excellent pass, and Matt Gilroy took a hell of a shot. It was a lot more impressive than the goal by Washington in regulation. I felt like Ovechkin and Semin were allowed to stroll into the crease and stuff the puck in. The final result is frustrating but hopefully will give the Rangers confidence that they are just as good as the Capitals. The Blueshirts are going to need to score more than one goal to win Game 2 but I think they will come out and play a lot more aggressively now that all the newcomers know what playoff hockey is all about.

Back From the Dead: A 2011 Rangers Playoff Preview

Despite finishing the season on an impressive 11-4-1 swing, the Rangers still needed help to make the playoffs. Only after a 6-2 Tampa Bay win over Carolina was it finally time to celebrate. It was that type of year for the Blueshirts. Nothing was ever easy for a young team that had trouble scoring and dealt with a lot of injuries.

Demi and Ashton Make A Movie

As if there weren't enough reasons to hate Demi and Ashton, they (and a few of their friends) released a series of videos condemning the child sex trade. Seems like a good cause. The only problem is the videos are stupid and don't make any sense.

What does Ashton getting new socks have to do with buying girls? I'm sure he could afford some 12-year-old girl from Bangkok to do his laundry for him. I'm just so confused. If they're saying that guys shouldn't be taking chicks out to dinner and buying them jewelry anymore, then I'm all in. If they're saying that I'm a real man because I've never bought a child sex slave even though I only have about six chest hairs, then I'm down with too. Other than that, you lost me. I kind of want to buy a child sex slave now just to spite Demi and Ashton. I'll call her Chun Li and she can sleep on my couch. Who came up with the idea for this video? The Situation?

Stanley Cup Playoffs Conference Quarterfinals Predictions

The Stanley Cup Playoffs might be the most underrated sports event. Nothing matches the intensity of playoff hockey except for overtime playoff hockey. This is the sport that always seems to have the most upsets and is the hardest to predict. I'll do my best. And remember: a hot goaltender can trump everything. Kinda like having a hot girlfriend.

Battle of the Playoff Song Parody Videos

It's playoff season! That means a lot of things. Glorious victories, heartbreaking defeats, and most of all, hilarious fan videos. Today, I have two very different ones for your enjoyment.

The first comes by way of the Pacific Northwest. Vancouver, to be exact. Some puckheads put together another parody to Rebecca Black's Friday called Game Day. Not the most original idea but it might be the most well-done. Not that I've been watching tons and tons of Rebecca Black parody videos. Let's just hope they don't riot too much when the Canucks get bounced from the playoffs.

Second, straight out of Washington Square Park, The Don Cap sings Now With Melo as he explores landmarks around the NYU area. Bonus points for incorporating Go NY Go into the song. Minus points for the autotune. The kid has spunk and I like the fact that he didn't steal his video from a 12-year-old girl.

Who's the winner? That's an easy one. We all are.

Simpsons Video of the Week: Hi Everybody

Hi Dr. Nick! One of my favorite Simpsons characters has always been Dr. Nick. It might be a two-horse race between him and Troy McClure. Here, Dr. Nick faces off against a review board and a deranged patient. If anyone can handle it, Dr. Nick Riviera can.

A Girl Knows More About Sports Than Me

As part of losing my March Madness Battle of the Sexes with CurlySue, I was forced to stand in the middle of Times Square with a sign that says, "A girl knows more about sports than me." In a related story, join me in The Suite for extended NBA and NHL Playoff coverage later this week. This was one of the low points of my life. Here are the pictures. If you love Asian tourists, this is right up your alley.

Down Goes Gaga

See you next fall! Lady Gaga fell off her piano during a concert in Houston on Sunday. That's what you get for wearing those outfits. To her credit, she handled the entire thing like a pro.

Charlie Sheen Is "I Didn't Do It" Boy

In embarking on his Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option Tour on top of whatever you would call Sheen's Korner, his Twitter feed, and all the bizarre antics over the past couple months, Charlie Sheen has fully embraced his reputation as America's favorite nutcase. As sad as his fall from grace was, it has been the car crash that everyone is slowing down to watch.

January Jones: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

January Jones plays Betty Draper Francis on Mad Men. People can say all they want about Christina Hendricks and her enormous boobies, but my money's all on January. She's actually a very talented actress despite her debacle on Saturday Night Live. She plays an unlikable bitch but you can tell January is a bitch in real life, which makes her even hotter. I love them bitches. I want to buy her jewelry and then have her yell at me. January told the UK edition of Marie Claire, "The bitches in high school were bitches because I was pretty." So it's settled, then. Everyone's a bitch. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!