New Digs

This place is a dump. If you're in the mood for new stories and Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum Girls, check out the fresh redesign at rainmansuite.com.

NBA Playoffs Conference Semifinals Predictions

Bulls over Hawks in 7
Heat over Celtics in 7
Thunder over Grizzlies in 5
Lakers over Mavericks in 7

Stanley Cup Playoffs Conference Semifinals Predictions

Capitals over Lightning in 6
Bruins over Flyers in 7
Canucks over Predators in 7
Red Wings over Sharks in 7

Intermission Report

I'm pretty burned out after being swept by the Celtics so I'm taking the week off. I know that many of you will be unable to survive without finding out who the Jabroni of the Week is, but you're going to have to make due. In the meantime, I'm going to work on redesigning The Suite a bit. Maybe move some sofas around to make room for a jacuzzi.

The Celitcs series was like a dream that turned into a nightmare. To top it off, we still didn't win a playoff game. After 10 years, it's unacceptable. I'm still optimistic. We have two of the top 15 players in the league and they'll have the whole summer to get in sync and add complementary pieces. Usually after one of my teams gets booted from the playoffs, I don't want to think about it. In this case, it's different. I wish they were playing right now. I can't wait until October (or longer). The first time I saw the Knicks lose a playoff series, it was back in 1991 against the Bulls. I still remember my mom trying to explain that the Knicks weren't playing games anymore. I was sad then and I'm sad now. There are still important questions to answer. On the top of the list is whether Donnie Walsh is coming back. He may have his differences with ownership, but he's the man for the job and he needs to finish it. It would be ridiculous not to bring him back. He's intelligent, patient, and resourceful---great qualities for somebody who's putting together a basketball team. Yeah, he's not perfect but nobody is. After that, it has to be decided who's going to coach the team. Coach D didn't do himself any favors by getting swept.

I'll be back next week. Stop complaining. If you need to kill some time, go on Redtube.

Rangers 2011 Postmortem

Capitals 3, Rangers 1
Capitals win series 4-1

The Rangers are like an ugly girl with huge tits. No matter how revolting she is, she's always going to get attention from guys because of those boobies. Henrik Lundqvist is that set of double D's.

Jabroni of the Week: AntiMalware Doctor Virus

I've had my computer for seven and a half years now. That's like 94 in computer years. I love it, though. We've been through a lot over the years. Working on papers till four in the morning. Paris Hilton's sex tape. And of course, The Suite. That's why it broke my heart when my computer came down with the AntiMalware Doctor virus while I was looking for potential Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum Girls.

Emma Roberts: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

 

Scream 4 had its share of detractors but nobody can say anything bad about Emma Roberts. Girl has a killer body. And despite her good girl image, I think she's got a little naughty hidden in there. I really liked Scream 4. It was probably the weakest film of the franchise but I liked the direction it went in. It just didn't get there smoothly. It was long, too self-aware, and tried to be too funny. I'm old fashioned. All I need is a Jamie Kennedy monologue, Rose McGowan's tits, and some kills, and I'm happy. With that said, the ending was great and I liked how the recent spate of horror remakes and celebrity culture played into the movie. And of course, my girl Emma. She beats Aunt Julia anytime. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

PhillieBot Bounces First Pitch, Will Replace Joe Blanton

When I heard that a robot was going to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game, I thought it was pretty cool. I assumed it was one of those crazy Japanese robots that can walk and fall in love and stuff. Then, I found out it was going to throw out the first pitch at a Phillies game and was named PhillieBot. My hopes were considerably lowered. PhillieBot turned out to basically be a catapault, which would have been cool if this was the Dark Ages. Somebody should have told the dorks at UPenn. It couldn't even reach the plate. This seriously may have been the lamest thing I've ever seen besides all the Eagles fans who think their team is going to win the Super Bowl every year. Still better than Carl Lewis though. At least we know robots won't be taking over the world for a while.

Knicks-Celtics Game 3 Quick Reaction

Celtics 113, Knicks 96
Celtics lead series 3-0 

They overwhelmed us from the opening tip. Swallowed us whole. This is what I was worried about from the beginning of the series. The Knicks looked they were trying too hard. They were slow to adjust and rotate on D. Pierce and Allen were hitting their shots. The Celtics were getting every call and bounce but the Knicks didn't do anything to change that. They didn't handle the pressure of hosting their first playoff game in seven years very well. It's disappointing because I was hoping they would come out and crack some heads, but everyone looked tight. The ball was being forced to Amar'e early on and he was pressing a little too much, but he must be hurting. Nobody handled the situation well. Nobody stepped up and took charge. Maybe not having a veteran like Chauncey out there hurt. The only excuse I can offer is that the officiating was poor but that's not a good excuse. I'm not giving up hope on the series. The Knicks have to play with pride on Sunday and match their intensity of the first two games. If they keep the open shots to a minimum, get to every loose ball, and catch a few breaks, they should have a chance...with or without Chauncey and Amar'e.

Olive Garden Is A Sham

I haven't felt this violated since I found out Santa Claus didn't exist. In possibly the most important investigation in its history, Time Magazine revealed that Olive Garden's famous Culinary Institute of Tuscany is really just a hotel where a chef holds an occasional class in the kitchen between sightseeing sessions for Olive Garden employees in scenic Italy. I don't know if I can ever go to Olive Garden ever again. Besides gorging myself on delicious endless breadsticks and salad, I liked knowing that all the chefs went through an intensive years-long program with some of the top cooks in the world. Now I don't know who to believe. Is the McDonald's Hamburger University an accredited four-year school? Is the New York Film Academy really the place where Brett Ratner thinks all aspiring filmmakers should go? Since I'm a forgiving guy, I'll probably end up going back to Olive Garden again but it's going to take some time. At least until the Endless Pasta Bowl.

Time