Dodgeball Is Safe Again!

On Tuesday, the New York State Health Department released a list of dangerous games for children that included kickball, dodgeball, tag, and capture the flag. If any summer programs featured one of these activities, it would be considered a summer camp and subject to more regulations and fees. After much criticism and their friends probably calling them idiots, the Health Dept. said they would review the list and did what anybody else would do: blame the blind guy, as in former Gov. Dave Patterson. The people in the Health Dept. obviously were never asked to play games as kids and are now trying to take their childhood rage out on 10-year-olds.

Really, how dangerous is capture the flag? You look for the flag, you find it, and try to run it back to your side. Is that more dangerous than going up a flight of stairs? Maybe all summer programs should be conducted in one-story bulldings (with all the walls padded of course). This is why our society is becoming so wimpy. Let kids fall. Let them get tough. Then, if they lose their job or a girl breaks their heart, they won't become an whiny alcoholic who brings a gun into work. Life isn't all candy canes and hundred-dollar bills, sweetheart. Sometimes you have to just get some balls in your face.

CBS New York

Life-Size Barbie Hotter Than Regular Girls Despite Lack Of Hands

I think I'm in love. As part of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (more food for me), Galia Slayen created a life-size doll representing what Barbie would look like if she were a real person. Barbie's measurements are 39/18/33, so I don't see what the problem is. She's not going to dominate the conversation, has a flawless complexion, and look at that rack. We just need the guy from Edward Scissorhands to make some hands for her that aren't scissors and my future wife is ready. Yeah, I like to hold hands because I'm a romantic. Barbie, come holler at me in The Suite.

MSNBC

Demi and Ashton Make A Movie

As if there weren't enough reasons to hate Demi and Ashton, they (and a few of their friends) released a series of videos condemning the child sex trade. Seems like a good cause. The only problem is the videos are stupid and don't make any sense.

What does Ashton getting new socks have to do with buying girls? I'm sure he could afford some 12-year-old girl from Bangkok to do his laundry for him. I'm just so confused. If they're saying that guys shouldn't be taking chicks out to dinner and buying them jewelry anymore, then I'm all in. If they're saying that I'm a real man because I've never bought a child sex slave even though I only have about six chest hairs, then I'm down with too. Other than that, you lost me. I kind of want to buy a child sex slave now just to spite Demi and Ashton. I'll call her Chun Li and she can sleep on my couch. Who came up with the idea for this video? The Situation?

Hammer vs. Machete: Who Ya Got?

No, Adam Carolla didn't get into a fight with Danny Trejo, silly bastard. This type of insanity can only happen in one place and it's not Hollywood. It's New Jersey, the land of 1,000 processing plants. In Passaic, a thrift store owner who was being robbed by some hammer-wielding genius managed to defend himself with a machete that he luckily had lying around. The robbery took place at 10:30 in the morning because obviously the robber wanted everyone to see him running from the store with a bag of money and a bloody hammer. Police are searching for a suspect who they say took off his clothes as he left the scene. So if anyone in Passaic sees a naked man with a hammer, please alert the authorities.

WABC-TV

Jose and Ozzie Canseco Pull Celebrity Boxing Switcheroo, Fail

Jose Canseco was scheduled to fight on Saturday at a celebrity boxing event. However, just as the big match was about to go on, fans noticed that his tattoos were different. It turns out Jose sent his twin brother Ozzie in his place. There hasn't been a bait-and-switch like this since Zach was supposed to go on a blind date with Mr. Belding's niece and sent Screech instead. Not helping matters is the fact that Jose texted the promoter "You have to pay him" when "Jose" demanded cash up front. The promoter didn't pay up and now he wants the $5,000 that he paid Jose earlier back.

When I was a kid, I always dreamt of having a twin and wreaking havoc on the world. We could take each other's tests, date each other's girls, go to each other's jobs, and fight in each other's celebrity boxing matches. It would be hilarious. If you ever saved your twin's life, you would have it made. He'd basically have to do anything you didn't want to do in your place. I wish I had someone like that for my community service in Hoboken.

ESPN

Mexican Man Has 82 Julia Roberts Tattoos

Miljenko Bukovic loved Erin Brockovich so much that he got Julia Roberts's face tattooed on his body. Then, he did it 81 more times. Bukovic has spent nearly $81,000 for his ink. I didn't realize that Mexicans had $81,000 between them. Nice job showing his fandom but still not as impressive as my 83 Eli Manning tattoos.

NY Post

I Wonder What He Does For Detention

I had some interesting professors in my day. There was the hot French professor from Martinique who couldn't speak a lick of English. Then, the Israeli Futures & Options professor that locked the door as soon as class started and posted pictures from his triathlon training on the class website. And yes, the professor who spent time at a camp to "cure" his homosexuality. None of these compare to J. Michael Bailey of Northwestern, however, who arranged for a couple to demonstrate the proper way to insert a vibrator after a class in human sexuality.

This is like something out of Sex and The City: The College Years. Normally, I'd be pumped up and say I've been looking for somewhere to get my Master's Degree. But from the looks of it, the lady involved is not worth staying after class and keeping me from getting my Chick-fil-A on in the dining hall. I guess Mason Moore couldn't make it, but at least it's nice to see that the guy from Counting Crows is staying busy.

Wall St. Journal

Now Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Timofey Mozgov

Timofey Mozgov spent the recent All-Star Weekend marrying his sweetheart, Alla. It was spontaneous so they did what any kids would do---hop into a limo and go to a drive-in chapel in the clothes they were wearing. How romantic. Timmy was traded to Denver a few days later. Hope Alla likes skiing. With Timmy now gone from the Knicks, he is most likely taking an extended absence from The Suite. It wishes him good luck in marriage and his future battles with Blake Griffin.

Tribune (Russia)

Can I Get Extra Mice on that Pizza?

I'm not surprised that this took place in the Philadelphia area. Nickolas Galiatsatos was arrested for planting mice in two rival pizza places. He blew it by leaving a suspicious footprint on the toilet of one of them as he dropped off his furry friends in the ceiling. This is a classic case of a great plan and poor execution. Galiatsatos goes into the bathroom with a shady looking bag and then leaves a footprint? You don't even need Ace Ventura to figure this one out. Gotta leave the bathroom the way you left it, buddy.

Fox Philadelphia

Best Commercial Ever

During 30 Rock tonight, they showed a sick commercial. I swear I would have bought anything it told me to. Until the last few seconds.

Do those Scientologists know how to put together a commercial or what? Where can I get my free stress test?

Best Trailer Ever

Daniel Tosh exposed the 2003 movie Tiptoes on Tosh.0 this week. I guess the movie didn't get much pub because, um, it's about a family of dwarfs, and in the role of a lifetime, Gary Oldman plays one of them although he still seems to have normal length arms. Matthew McConaughey and Kate Beckinsale co-star. The trailer is marvelous.

Man Attempts To Run Through 17 Panes of Glass, Fails

This is a true Cinderella story. Reuben de Jong is trying the break his own (I REPEAT, HIS OWN!) world record by running through 17 panes of glass on some sort of bizarre Asian show. It did not go well.

What's worse: the embarrassment or the sore neck? Gotta give him credit, though. I probably would have quit after the first six head butts. He really should have known that Asians love pulling this crazy stuff on TV.

Best Ride Ever

I love bouncy castles. The first thing I'm going to do when I win the lottery is buy one (and of course two chicks at the same time). This weekend, two girls were playing on a bouncy castle when a gust of wind picked it up and dumped one of the girls ON TOP OF A HOUSE! At first, I was a bit skeptical. This sounded a bit like Balloon Boy to me, but if it's true, it's one of the coolest things, I've ever heard.

Yahoo!

And Introducing Dat Roro Kid...As Himself

I got a call from Sarah Palin earlier and she was pretty upset at the lack of representation in the Suite from outside the big city. The last thing I want is for the geniuses at Fox News to put me on the black list so I searched high and low for somebody new. I went to the backwoods of West Virginia and ate rat stew with a brother and sister that were also husband and wife. I scoured Alaska for a writer and maybe a governor's daughter. Just when I was about to give up hope, finally I found him, Dat Roro Kid.

Dat Roro Kid was born in Cuba and emigrated to Miami in the 80's. After becoming a member of the Lopez drug cartel and surviving a harrowing chainsaw attack, he rose through the ranks of the family ultimately taking control of it himself. Roro married Michelle Pfeiffer and was believed to be assassinated after feuding with a rival drug dealer. Unbeknown to all, he was hiding away in Little Havana, eating mucho bistec, and soaking in the luxurious Miami sports scene.

As a Miami sports fan, Roro loves arriving to games in the second quarter and pumped-in crowd noise. Also, boobs. Big ones. While he supports all of the Miami teams, his main passion is for Florida Panthers hockey. Roro is also a writer for the Heat blog Miami Heat Nation and Dolphins blog Fins Nation. He drinks scotch like a champ and will gladly accept any free drinks.

Carmelo Anthony Slot Machine

ESPN.com has a new feature called the Carmelo Anthony Slot Machine. It may be the worst idea since Katy Perry married Russell Brand and I have no idea how it works. I just spun the wheel and got 4 Knicks Carmelos, 3 Nuggets Carmelos, and 1 Lakers Carmelo. What does that mean? Are we cloning Carmelo Anthony and having the greatest trade in NBA history when he gets traded for himself? Here's the link. If anyone figures it out, let me know.

All in a Name

Looks like Frankie Muniz had a sweet little Valentine's Day weekend. According to a police report, Frankie punched his girlfriend, Elycia Turnbow, and held a gun up to his head. He was taken to the hospital and released, then returned to his house to continue fighting with his girl. Wow. Seems like only yesterday little Malcom was getting into trouble for playing hooky and now he's hitting girls.

What's Up, Brah?

Wally Szczerbiak can't get no love.

NYK Blog

Boobs McGee Attempts Suicide, In Coma

It's not all fun and games in The Suite. Sometimes, you just need to cover the serious stuff. This is one of those times. Sheyla Hershey, formerly of the world's biggest tits, is in a coma after intentionally overdosing on pills yesterday. She originally had MMM-size boobies but had them removed after contacting an infection. Hershey was scheduled to have KKK cups (racist!) re-implanted today. On reclaiming her crown, Hershey said, "Once I reclaim my identity as the World's Biggest Boobs I can be a better role model for my daughter." I can honestly say I wish there were more moms like her out there. Here's wishing her a speedy recovery with more pictures:

Lady Gaga is Steve Urkel

Lady Gaga arrived to the Grammys last night in an egg. My friends and I had no idea what was going on when they showed it. At first, I thought she was helping to carry the egg but then we realized she was in the egg. I don't know how she came up with the idea or why she thanked Whitney Houston during her acceptance speech but that's another story. I'm a little concerned about Gaga, though, and I want to look out for a fellow NYUer. I love the antics, the songs, the outfits, the videos. I watched the Telephone video like 12 times in a row. But she's moving from crazy to weird and that's a dangerous step.

RAY ALLEN: CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!

I'd like to take some time now and congratulate Ray Allen for breaking the NBA's all-time record for points scored. Wait, what's that? He broke the record for 3-pointers made? Then why did they stop the game for him last night? I was getting into a bar and I noticed that this humongous Celtics-Lakers game was stopped and Ray Allen was hugging everyone in sight. AND IT WAS FOR BREAKING THE 3-POINT RECORD! IN THE MIDDLE OF A FINALS REMATCH! The 3-point shot has only been around for about 30 years. It's not really that big of an accomplishment. This isn't Hank Aaron breaking Babe Ruth's HR record. Wave to the crowd during a timeout and hug your crazy mom and that twerp Reggie Miller after the game. When somebody breaks Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's points record, then by all means stop the game and let him have his moment. For the 3-point, blocks, minutes, turnovers, and literally everything else records, wait till after the game.