Jabroni of the Week: AntiMalware Doctor Virus

I've had my computer for seven and a half years now. That's like 94 in computer years. I love it, though. We've been through a lot over the years. Working on papers till four in the morning. Paris Hilton's sex tape. And of course, The Suite. That's why it broke my heart when my computer came down with the AntiMalware Doctor virus while I was looking for potential Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum Girls.

The virus was apparently developed in Russia and mimics antivirus software. It says your computer has a virus and then tries to get you to "upgrade" to a new version using your credit card. Stupid Russians spelled half the words wrong on the program. I knew it was a scam the second it popped up on my screen.

Problem is, I can't get it off. Every 30 seconds, a box comes up saying I have a virus. I know I have a virus, fuckface, and it's you. My computer is slow enough as it is. The screen doesn't stay open so I prop it up against the wall. Imagine your grandmother was in a wheelchair and she came down with pneumonia. Now imagine this same grandma was your only source of porn. I gave up porn for Lent, so this is happening at exactly the wrong time. The virus needs to come off right now.

Virus, baby, I don't mind getting an E-mail every once in a while saying I won the Russian lottery and need to pay the taxes before I collect the winnings. I don't even mind that you tried to scam me. It was a valiant effort but I'm smarter than you. You're like the Terminator and I'm Linda Hamilton. I'm not sending you my credit card so dasvidaniya. Until then, you're a jabroni, brother.