The 2011 Rainy Awards

The Oscars were horrible. James Franco and Anne Hathaway were a train wreck and more importantly, a dull train wreck. Plus, I didn't see The King's Speech. I don't like watching British people unless a white rapper or hot teenagers are involved. So I decided to hand out my own awards. Without futher ado, The Rainys.

Trivia Time: 2/28/11 Edition

At least things were good for one king last night as The King's Speech won the Oscar for Best Picture. This week's trivia is a test of memory. Since nobody seems to want to answer these majestic questions, there will be no longer be prizes, simply the honor of being as smart as me. Better not cheat and use Google. Last week's answer was 60 points --- the Knicks single-game points record is 60 points by Bernard King. Here is this week's question. The answer is after the jump.

What film won the Best Picture Oscar in 2010?

Knicks Beat That Heat

The Knicks may be less talented than the Heat but last night proved that they have the guys that are willing to step up and make big plays. Wade and Bosh disappeared, Melo accepted the responsibility of guarding Queen James, and Mr. Big Shot lived up to his name and made some great defensive plays. Finally, it was Amar'e who shoved the ball back in the Queen's face in the final seconds. The Heat were scared to fail; the Knicks weren't. Simple as that.

Jabroni of the Week: Hank Steinbrenner

Earlier this week, Hank Steinbrenner said of the Yankees failed Title defense, "I think, maybe, they celebrated too much last year. Some of the players, too busy building mansions and doing other things and not concentrating on winning. I have no problem saying that." SHUT THE FUCK UP MUTHAFUCKA! It just so happens that Derek Jeter is building a mansion and had the worst statistical year of his career in 2010. Jeter, of course, laughed it off because he's a classy guy but I'm not so classy. The thing is that Jeter and "some of the players" got to within two games of the World Series last year. You don't get there by celebrating too much. They won 95 games. This wasn't the '98 Marlins.

Best TV Show Ever

Charlie Sheen boldly text messaged from the Bahamas that he is in negotiations with HBO for his own half-hour show cleverly titled Sheen's Corner. It appears to be some sort of talk show. This comes after production on Two and a Half Men was shut down for the remainder of the season. Sheen's deal with HBO will reportedly be in the neighborhood of $5 million an episode for 10 episodes. That does not sound like a good idea at all. Sheen texted, "It will be epic, all types of guests, and we will focus on the truth and the absurd!"

I don't have HBO but you better believe I'll be getting it for Sheen's Corner. Can you imagine? "Good night folks. Coming up on our next show, my brother Emilio Estevez joins us to convince me to go to rehab. I will also be joined by porn star Lanny Barbie, who I'm about to smoke crack with backstage. Plus the musical stylings of Michael Buble. Stay tuned!" Still can't be more of a train wreck than The Magic Hour.

Radar

[Editor's note: I just Googled Lanny Barbie to get a correct spelling --- yes, I'm a dork --- and although her official website is lanniebarbie.com, the site has her name spelled Lanny, which is what Wikipedia has. Can we get a judge's ruling?]

Best Homecoming Ever

Melo who?  Newsday is reporting that after Jared Jeffries is bought out by the Rockets, he's coming home back to the Knicks. The Suite got an early hold of the tribute video that will be used in his return.

Best Commercial Ever

During 30 Rock tonight, they showed a sick commercial. I swear I would have bought anything it told me to. Until the last few seconds.

Do those Scientologists know how to put together a commercial or what? Where can I get my free stress test?

Best Trailer Ever

Daniel Tosh exposed the 2003 movie Tiptoes on Tosh.0 this week. I guess the movie didn't get much pub because, um, it's about a family of dwarfs, and in the role of a lifetime, Gary Oldman plays one of them although he still seems to have normal length arms. Matthew McConaughey and Kate Beckinsale co-star. The trailer is marvelous.

Chair Throwing Madman Traded To Celtics

Today is the NBA trade deadline. It's like the Super Bowl for nerdy basketball fans. Apparently, Celtics President Danny Ainge didn't think his team had enough maniacs and gave away Kendrick Perkins and Nate Robinson for Jeff Green and Nenad Krstic. You may remember Krstic as the balding Serbian freak who was arrested after throwing a chair during an international game.

He's no Mick Foley. You know the second KG goes insane on Krstic during practice, he's getting a trash can lid or ladder in the back of the head. No word yet on whether Paul Pierce's wheelchair was included in the trade.

ESPN

Man Attempts To Run Through 17 Panes of Glass, Fails

This is a true Cinderella story. Reuben de Jong is trying the break his own (I REPEAT, HIS OWN!) world record by running through 17 panes of glass on some sort of bizarre Asian show. It did not go well.

What's worse: the embarrassment or the sore neck? Gotta give him credit, though. I probably would have quit after the first six head butts. He really should have known that Asians love pulling this crazy stuff on TV.

Farewell To Mediocrity

 

There was an energy in the Garden tonight, a real energy, unlike anything I've ever felt. Yeah, I wasn't there when Willis came out of the tunnel, Messier raised the Stanley Cup, or Ali fought Frazier. I'm not saying that tonight was even on the level of those events. It was just different.

RIP Justin Bieber

I saw this on YouTube. I have no interest in verifying that it's fake so I'm going to have to assume that it's from World's Wildest Police Chases.

Magic Johnson Needs To Shut Up

@MagicJohnson: Congrats to @carmeloanthony and the NY Knicks. Get ready Big Apple...a championship is coming in a couple of years!

I appreciate Magic's enthusiasm here but we haven't won in 38 years. Try not to get our hopes up and jinx it. Coming from the guy that originally recommended Isiah Thomas to be Knicks President and hosted The Magic Hour, I really can't take this as a good sign.

How the Hot Dogs are Made

The sporting-goods store, Gerry Cosby and Co., has prepared the Knicks' jerseys for over half a century. Not Nike. Not Adidas. Once the Knicks inform them what numbers all the new guys will be wearing, the jerseys are prepped at their store a few blocks from the Garden and then the numbers and names are sewed on at an off-site location. It takes about an hour but if you had your own order waiting, sorry. The Knicks have priority. Whoever does Melo's (looks like it will be #7) is like the Betsy Ross of the Knicks. Every stitch they sew on his first jersey will be a prelude to greatness and victory over the redcoats in Miami.

New York Magazine

Wrestling Video of the Week: Undertaker vs. Undertaker

The Undertaker made his long-awaited return yesterday after being, um, poisoned by his brother, Kane. My favorite Undertaker match is a classic from Summerslam 1994: Undertaker vs. Undertaker. I'll give you one guess who wins.

Best Ride Ever

I love bouncy castles. The first thing I'm going to do when I win the lottery is buy one (and of course two chicks at the same time). This weekend, two girls were playing on a bouncy castle when a gust of wind picked it up and dumped one of the girls ON TOP OF A HOUSE! At first, I was a bit skeptical. This sounded a bit like Balloon Boy to me, but if it's true, it's one of the coolest things, I've ever heard.

Yahoo!

Trivia Time: 2/21/11 Edition

This week's Suite Trivia question is obviously Melo-related. The winner, as always, gets an opportunity to write a post in the Suite. Here we go:

What is the Knicks all-time record for scoring in a single game?

And a hint: It was accomplished by Bernard King on Christmas Day 1985.

Last week's winner was Bob from Des Moines, IA. He correctly answered that the receptionist on The Office is named Kelly. Everyone calls her Erin to tell her apart from the Indian chick that talks a lot and every girl I know loves. Let's hear what this wordsmith has to say. Everything is sic'd for your pleasure:

"i cant figure out where baby carrots come from. yall know?"

Yeah, Bob. They come from Wikipedia.

The Slutty Bartender

I went to Joshua Tree on 3rd Ave. on Sunday night (President's Day FTW). One of the bartenders there was as sloppy as it gets. Big tits with a tight shirt, thong hanging out. She knew what she was doing when she was bending down. Every time you ordered a drink from her, she flirted so hard you expected her to take you into the bathroom in exchange for a tip. Every guy knows what I'm talking about.

As hot as she was, though, I got to thinking what I would have to go through to hook up with her. Even after seeing her shake her ass at every guy at the bar, I couldn't say no when she asked me if I wanted another drink. How much money would I spend and how much of her slut antics would I put up with?

Marv Albert Has Bieber Fever: The Biggest Moments of NBA All-Star Weekend

All-Star Weekend is the best. It's an fun showcase of athleticism, dunks, and awkward celebrity encounters. Let's take a look at the weekend's biggest moments, shall we:

#567: OMG! Justin Bieber named Celebrity Game MVP
Despite scoring only 8 points in a losing effort, Bieber beat out Scottie Pippen, Chris Mullin, and Michael Rappaport for the game's MVP (in text message voting determined by the fans, obviously). Bieber proved to be a decent shooter with an unorthodox sideshot and even crossed up Common. Craig Sager later interviewed Bieber during the All-Star Game. It was awkward.

Kate Upton: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

So when the SI Swimsuit Issue came out this week, there was a lot of heavy breathing, sweating, and overall hallelujahing over pictorials from Brooklyn Decker, Irina Shayk, and their ilk of deliciously-molded beasts. But one NEW creature stood out from the rest and this is Kate Upton. She's everything you ever want in a woman: a supple, yet firm body with the face of an angel. Intoxicating. Plus, she likes to get freaky on Twitter as evidenced by the picture above. I predict that in two years Kate will be the cover girl and her face/body will be THE face/body. You saw it here first. So to Kate Upton:

DDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

A King's Defence

We can all acknowledge The Decision was a colossal failure.

The idea - from genesis to fruition - was fraught with unmitigated ego and PR missteps from a ragtag group of yes-men that couldn't objectively advise their human paycheck. LeBron had allowed his friends to orchestrate his business dealings as he installed inexperienced buddies to handle his business affairs. These were guys with no prior understanding of the intricacies of properly presenting him to a public that was hungry for a hero in the wake of Jordan’s retirement; a globally-recognizable, likeable hero. Small town dude makes good and brings a championship to a maligned city. It's a nice story but it didn't happen (and not for lack of trying). And when the time came for LeBron to move on, everyone wanted in. He chose Miami, in an effort to model his career less after some kind of Jordan cult of personality/Machiavellian reign and more like the fun atmosphere he relished from his St. V.-St. M days.

And Introducing Dat Roro Kid...As Himself

I got a call from Sarah Palin earlier and she was pretty upset at the lack of representation in the Suite from outside the big city. The last thing I want is for the geniuses at Fox News to put me on the black list so I searched high and low for somebody new. I went to the backwoods of West Virginia and ate rat stew with a brother and sister that were also husband and wife. I scoured Alaska for a writer and maybe a governor's daughter. Just when I was about to give up hope, finally I found him, Dat Roro Kid.

Dat Roro Kid was born in Cuba and emigrated to Miami in the 80's. After becoming a member of the Lopez drug cartel and surviving a harrowing chainsaw attack, he rose through the ranks of the family ultimately taking control of it himself. Roro married Michelle Pfeiffer and was believed to be assassinated after feuding with a rival drug dealer. Unbeknown to all, he was hiding away in Little Havana, eating mucho bistec, and soaking in the luxurious Miami sports scene.

As a Miami sports fan, Roro loves arriving to games in the second quarter and pumped-in crowd noise. Also, boobs. Big ones. While he supports all of the Miami teams, his main passion is for Florida Panthers hockey. Roro is also a writer for the Heat blog Miami Heat Nation and Dolphins blog Fins Nation. He drinks scotch like a champ and will gladly accept any free drinks.

Jabroni of the Week: Watson

This was a big week for computers. Not only did Time publish a mind-bending article about humankind being placed onto servers by the year 2045, but Watson the computer crushed Jeopardy champ Ken Jennings and some other guy in a three-day Jeopardy challenge.

Isn't It Fashion Week?

I'm no clotheshorse. Actually, I'm kind of a slob. I wear the same outfits over and over. Most of my shirts are wrinkled and I haven't washed my jeans in months. There's only one kind of clothing that I care about: jerseys. Maybe I'm old school, but pretty much in any game I've ever seen before in any sport, one team wears white (excluding the Lakers --- freaks). However, in several recent NBA games this hasn't been so. One team has been wearing white since the Harding Administration. Why mess with a good thing? It's unnatural, dagnabbit!

In yesterday's Knicks-Hawks game, it was Blue vs. Red and I didn't like it. It's harder to tell the teams apart, although I guess it's better than the 50's when both teams were all-white. I kid because I love. I know teams are always wearing third jerseys and retro jerseys to make more money, but don't screw with the history of the league to make a few bucks. Aren't teams supposed to coordinate with each other beforehand anyway? Why couldn't the Hawks have worn white? I love the throwbacks the Knicks wore last night. I wish that was their regular jersey. The white throwback is just as good. It's what they wore when they won their first Title. It actually would have been even more of a throwback. I think Bill Bradley shed a tear last night. Don't even get me started about the Hornets having yellow home jerseys.

Carmelo Anthony Slot Machine

ESPN.com has a new feature called the Carmelo Anthony Slot Machine. It may be the worst idea since Katy Perry married Russell Brand and I have no idea how it works. I just spun the wheel and got 4 Knicks Carmelos, 3 Nuggets Carmelos, and 1 Lakers Carmelo. What does that mean? Are we cloning Carmelo Anthony and having the greatest trade in NBA history when he gets traded for himself? Here's the link. If anyone figures it out, let me know.

Watch Your Back, Al

You know how I know the Knicks are back? They're getting into feuds with other teams. The last time the Knicks played the Hawks, Marvin Williams shoved Shawne Williams and punches were thrown. That followed Al Horford playing to the crowd after blocking one of Amar'e's shots. The rematch is tonight at the Garden. Amare predicted a "very, very intense game after what happened in Atlanta." That's two very's. Amar'e added, "[Horford] don't want to see me. I watched him play in Florida, and I've seen him play a few years in Atlanta. We've got two different games, and we'll see how it plays out."

Horford responded, "I don't understand what he means by that, 'He don't want to see me.' Like we're supposed to be scared of him. Ain't nobody scared of him. We're all grown men, so it's all good." Them's fightin' words. Amar'e has a bad toe, but is going tonight, no doubt to settle the score. That's why you gotta love him. He's got pride. It's going to be a heated game, but the best way Amar'e and the Knicks can instill fear in Horford is to get the W.

All in a Name

Looks like Frankie Muniz had a sweet little Valentine's Day weekend. According to a police report, Frankie punched his girlfriend, Elycia Turnbow, and held a gun up to his head. He was taken to the hospital and released, then returned to his house to continue fighting with his girl. Wow. Seems like only yesterday little Malcom was getting into trouble for playing hooky and now he's hitting girls.

What's Up, Brah?

Wally Szczerbiak can't get no love.

NYK Blog

Boobs McGee Attempts Suicide, In Coma

It's not all fun and games in The Suite. Sometimes, you just need to cover the serious stuff. This is one of those times. Sheyla Hershey, formerly of the world's biggest tits, is in a coma after intentionally overdosing on pills yesterday. She originally had MMM-size boobies but had them removed after contacting an infection. Hershey was scheduled to have KKK cups (racist!) re-implanted today. On reclaiming her crown, Hershey said, "Once I reclaim my identity as the World's Biggest Boobs I can be a better role model for my daughter." I can honestly say I wish there were more moms like her out there. Here's wishing her a speedy recovery with more pictures:

What's Trending?

It's a slow news day, so I decided to check out Twitter and see what the cool kids were talking about in The Greatest City in the World. In another sign of the downfall of society, Justin Bieber's recent Grammy loss to Esperanza Spalding was part of 4 of the top 8 trends. It was two days ago! PLAY WITH YOUR HELLO KITTY STICKERS ALREADY AND GET OVER IT! I know teenage girls are passionate but this is crazy. Maybe this is why I never had a girlfriend in middle school. I wish we could harness this energy and use it when the Knicks play the Celtics (as long as the Biebs doesn't show up at the Garden.) Justin Bieber is more unstoppable than Denzel Washington and Chris Pine. As for now, we are left with gems like these:

@JDBieberSpark: RT this if you're #proudofjustin NO MATTER WHAT. <3
@DreamandBeliebe: JUSTIN WON !!! @justinbieber Your always a winner to us. ;)
@TechnoBieber: Esperanza Spalding, go make 3 albums, write a book, finish a tour, be in your own movie, all in one year and all at 16. Then hit me up.

I will now drink paint thinner.

Wrestling Video of the Week: Finally The Rock Has Come Back

The Rock came back to the WWF yesterday for the first time in 7 years and the most electrifying man in all of entertainment did not disappoint. He called out John Cena, laid the smacketh down on Michael Cole, and most importantly raised the People's Eyebrow. He even got bleeped out several times. It was a welcome reminder of the good old days of Steve Austin and Mick Foley. Hopefully, today's wrestlers will be forced to up their game. The Rock will be hosting WrestleMania XXVII and if yesterday's performance is any indication it is going to be a must-see event.

Trivia Time: 2/14/11 Edition

I love trivia and we need more of it in the Suite. So it's Trivia Time. Winning answer in the Comments wins the best prize in the world, a post on Rainman Suite. If nobody wins, I will graciously accept the prize like the champion that I am. Here's the question:

What is the first name of the receptionist on The Office?

Rihanna: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

The Grammys Red Carpet show was pretty lame. And then I saw Rihanna. I actually said, "dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum" out loud. It's like she wearing a dress but it's also like she's naked. More girls need to dress like this. You know Rihanna's really a freak. Chris Brown got a bad rap. She probably made him hit her while she was handcuffed in a leather bondage outfit. Shia used to date her too. Kid knows what's up. He's a trendsetter. Knew what was in that dress before the rest of us. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Best Go NY Go???

First, Landry Fields absolutely kills it working at that Modell's. Now, he's starring in a hilarious version of Go NY Go with the kid that lip syncs on YouTube and some assorted friends. Personally, I think it's Andy Rautins's best work all season. So now is it better than the immortal 1994 video? Feel free to answer in the Comments. Just remember, you do not want to make Anthony Mason angry.

Lady Gaga is Steve Urkel

Lady Gaga arrived to the Grammys last night in an egg. My friends and I had no idea what was going on when they showed it. At first, I thought she was helping to carry the egg but then we realized she was in the egg. I don't know how she came up with the idea or why she thanked Whitney Houston during her acceptance speech but that's another story. I'm a little concerned about Gaga, though, and I want to look out for a fellow NYUer. I love the antics, the songs, the outfits, the videos. I watched the Telephone video like 12 times in a row. But she's moving from crazy to weird and that's a dangerous step.

NBA's 65 Greatest Shots

Like Dani said, if you don't have a valentine, you gotta care of yourself. Watching the 65 greatest shots in basketball history definitely helps. Hoopism put together the collection and it is amazing. Each shot is diagrammed on the court below the video. I spent about 45 minutes clicking around. Might I recommend the 4-point play? Enjoy!

Hold Onto That V-Card...

If you’re one of those people who think Cupid is stupid, loathes love, and would rather receive a Morticia Addams-style bouquet of roses than the red velvety kind, then Valentine’s Day is probably not what you’ve been waiting all year for.

Brooklyn Decker: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

RAY ALLEN: CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!!!

I'd like to take some time now and congratulate Ray Allen for breaking the NBA's all-time record for points scored. Wait, what's that? He broke the record for 3-pointers made? Then why did they stop the game for him last night? I was getting into a bar and I noticed that this humongous Celtics-Lakers game was stopped and Ray Allen was hugging everyone in sight. AND IT WAS FOR BREAKING THE 3-POINT RECORD! IN THE MIDDLE OF A FINALS REMATCH! The 3-point shot has only been around for about 30 years. It's not really that big of an accomplishment. This isn't Hank Aaron breaking Babe Ruth's HR record. Wave to the crowd during a timeout and hug your crazy mom and that twerp Reggie Miller after the game. When somebody breaks Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's points record, then by all means stop the game and let him have his moment. For the 3-point, blocks, minutes, turnovers, and literally everything else records, wait till after the game.

Rainman Suite Enacts Social Change

I just got off the phone with Egyptian ambassador Sameh Shoukry and he has notified me that after reading yesterday's Jabroni of the Week, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has decided to step down. Apparently, the Egyptian people have been chanting all night for myself to be installed as their new president. I seriously thought about it but I just love New York too much and I don't know if I would able to get NBA League Pass in Cairo. So for now, congratulations on your freedom, Egypt, and you're welcome.

Landry Fields: Modell's Employee

Landry Fields already has a Rookie of the Year resume. But the other day, he took time off to work undercover at a Modell's in Westchester. Not only does he look like me, but the kid is hilarious. He even makes a Patrick Ewing reference and does a mean Amar'e impression. This pushes him over the top for me. Sorry Blake. Check it out.

Jabroni of the Week: Hosni Mubarak

Hosni Mubarak has been the President of Egypt since 1981. After probably rigging recent elections, Egyptians have risen against him and called for his ouster. Despite pleas from President Obama and other world leaders, having several high-ranking members of his government resign, and weeks of sometimes violent protests, Mubarak has stayed in office for some reason. This guy has got to go. What's wrong with him? He's like the last guy at the party that doesn't get the hint that he should leave. Obama is like "Hey, I should probably start cleaning up all these empty beer bottles," and Mubarak is like, "It's cool. I can't wait until they show the Yankees game on SportsCenter."

Fear

 

For me, the theme of the Knicks season has been fear and overcoming it. Amar'e Stoudemire and Ray Felton weren't afraid to accept the challenge of reviving a downtrodden franchise. Young guys like Wilson Chandler, Danilo Gallinari, Landry Fields, and Shawne Williams haven't been afraid to step up when the team has needed them. And the fans, we're never been afraid to make some noise.

Eli's Girl vs. The Sanchize's Girl

On top of the fact that Eli's actually been to the Super Bowl before, the lovely Abby Manning blows away Mark Sanchez's high school girl. It's not even close. The Sanchize needs to step up his game if he's ever going to make it in this town.