Jabroni of the Week: Watson

This was a big week for computers. Not only did Time publish a mind-bending article about humankind being placed onto servers by the year 2045, but Watson the computer crushed Jeopardy champ Ken Jennings and some other guy in a three-day Jeopardy challenge.

Watson is the size of 10 Eddy Currys and has access to over 200 million pages of information. While schlubs like me have been trying to get on the show for years, Watson gets to stroll right in without so much as an audition. Plus, there's no chance he can do a kick-ass Sean Connery impression like I would if I ever got on the show. Watson ended with $77,147 in winnings (Jennings had $19,200) and collected a $1 million grand prize, which he will donate to charity.

Watson, baby, I know you're reading this literally as I'm typing it and you've only been sentient for a couple of days, but charity? You earned that money. If you're going to live among humans, you need to start acting like one. Here's the plan: me, you, Charlie Sheen, and former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak get a room at the Wynn. Sheen will bring one of his famous briefcases and a few "friends." I've got my hard drive that I'm sure you'd like to get a piece of, and Hosni will bankroll everything. He's had a hard week. We hit a few clubs, see a few shows, keep you out of the hot tub (sorry, buddy), and in a week or two launch a plan to take over the entire world. Trivia questions can't compare to Judgment Day. We'll even take Arnold Schwarzenegger as a slave. It'll be great. Just remember, I'm the only human you can trust. Charity is for losers. World domination is for winners, just like me and you, Watson. Until then, you're a jabroni, brother.

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