What a Night!

Great night at MSG.  Amar'e gets voted in as an All-Star starter over that lunatic KG (by over 200,000 votes!) proving once again the superiority of New York fans over Boston's.  Tracy Morgan declares that Sarah Palin is great jack-off material live on national TV.  And of course, the pièce de résistance a 93-88 comeback Knickerbocker win over Riley's Girls.  It wasn't looking good after Dwyane Wade hit 13 straight shots while wearing goggles to protect him from the bright New York spotlight.  The Heat carried a 9-point lead into the final quarter, but the Garden crowd was rocking, no doubt emboldened by the enthusiasm of stars like Howard Stern and Donald Trump.  You know the Knicks were going to come out guns blazing and they did.  Gallo hit two huge 3-pointers when the home team seemingly couldn't hit one all night and Landry Fields was soaring for rebounds and fearlessly hitting big shots in the clutch.  The best part of all was Queen James going 7-for-24 from the field and looking discombobulated all night.  Shawne Williams was the underrated star of the game, playing superb defense and keeping the Queen locked down.  The entire team played good defense and it showed in holding the Heat to only 88 points.  The Garden showed up like we all know it can and the Knicks proved they can not only roll with anyone, but actually win.  Can they keep it going?  Atlanta next.

The Most Powerful Man In New York

Bloomberg Businessweek just released its 100 Most Powerful Athletes list based on achievements on the field and marketability.  Eli Manning came in at 18th place, surprisingly the highest ranking of any New York athlete.  Eli made $27 million this year.  That's a lot of scratch.  A lot more than he would have made in San Diego.  Plus, he's featured in award-winning commercials like the Samsung one where he takes a picture with a guy while "Hey Soul Sister" is playing in the background.  Makes me cry every time.

Other notables on the list were big bro Peyton at #1.  Shaun White is 2nd but we'll see what happens when it's not an Olympic year.  Queen James was 2nd last year, but something he did over the summer made everyone hate him so he fell to 11th.  I can't remember what he did.  Shaq somehow came in 6th place despite the fact that this wasn't a pie-eating contest.  Derek Jeter made $31 million but fell from 26th to 33rd.  Amar'e also made the list at 58th and I'm sure his ranking will only continue to go up.  I'm surprised that Eddy Curry didn't make the list.  He could sit on you and kill you.  That's real power.  But for now, this is Eli's city and as long as he keeps winning and stays a lovable goof, he's the Mann.

Bloomberg Businessweek

Jabroni of the Week: Reggie Miller

Madison Square Garden's #1 enemy is opening his big mouth again.    Reggie Miller, who when last I checked is an announcer and should be an objective observer, is telling Queen James to "be the best villain you can be" at the Garden.  It's a good thing the Queen is such a coward and missed almost all his shots against The Greatest Fans In the World.  We've have had to endure Reggie's constant jabbering throughout the years, eight points in 8.9 seconds, and underhanded insults on TV during our lean years.  Now he's advising our opponents on how to get under our skin?  Reggie, you retired.  You won the same amount of titles as us.  Leave it be.  I just don't get why Reggie Miller hates New York so much.  Did some girl from the East Village break his heart as UCLA?  Is that why he has a tattoo around his belly button, possibly the worst tattoo of all time?  If you want to help somebody out, help the Pacers.  They're a mess.  You crushed our hearts so many times before.  Stay out of our business or I'll headbutt you John Starks-style, jabroni.

NY Daily News

Fitty Loves Chelsea

50 Cent is heartbroken that Chelsea Handler dumped him for hotelier Andre Balazs right before Christmas.  So now he's doing what any poor sap would do: send her presents.  I imagine that as Chelsea was opening up jewel-encrusted chalices and luxurious bottles of cognac, her little sidekick Chuy was already preparing boxes to send them back in.  Really Fitty?  You're a bazillionaire P.I.M.P. and you're grovelling over Chelsea Fucking Handler?  She looks older than Joan Rivers and she's less funny.  I know you have trouble losing your ladies to old dudes and it stings.  Vivica A. Fox went with Larry David and now Chelsea is with this rich guy.  Sack up and get over it.  You can have any video girl you want and those girls are freaks.   If you really want to get Chelsea back, you should make her jealous.  I hear that Sarah Silverman is available.

US Weekly

Flavor Flav's Fried Chicken

In what could be the greatest achievement in shady fried chicken places since Kennedy Fried Chicken, rap's favorite clock-wearing hypeman Flavor Flav has opened his own fried chicken restaurant in Clinton, Iowa.  I enjoy many facts about this.  First of all, how is there a huge line outside his place?  Do all these people really want to eat at Flav's restaurant or did they just know that TMZ was going to be there?  Secondly, if you go through the pictures you can see that his place is right next to a KFC.  Maybe not the best place to open a fried chicken place.  Thirdly, Flavor Flav has already sent black people back several years.  I don't think running a fried chicken joint is going to help.  Finally, it appears that in the menu you can order a "baked potatoe" as a side.  At least we know that Dan Quayle will do a good job running the place.  Sure beats Chuck D.  Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

TMZ

........And Twins!

The Harris Poll released a survey with information about favorite sports in the US.  It's no surprise that football was #1 with 31% of fans saying it was their favorite sport.  Baseball was second but it's got almost half as many fans as football at 17%.  The big news is that since the first year of the poll in 1985, football is up 7% while baseball is down 6%, the largest drop of any sport.  One would hope this is a wakeup call for MLB, but they've been so dense and short-sighted, it's hard to believe this is the case.  It's only going to get worse if games keep ending at 1AM and lasting for eight hours.  Another notable finding for me was that the NBA was behind college football and auto racing in fifth place at 6%, which I thought would be higher given all the interest surrounding LeBron.  Bball did bump up from 5% last year, but it was third at the time of Michael Jordan's retirement at 13%.  I also like the fact that bowling beat the WNBA.  Hopefully, next year Harris will include MMA as a choice.  I feel like that could actually have a significant amount of fans, maybe even more than boxing.  Until then, it's a football world and y'all just livin' in it.

Sports Business Daily

Nina Dobrev: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

I've known about Nina Dobrev since she was on Degrassi.  Yes, I used to watch Degrassi.  That also means I knew about Drake before anybody else.  How much can I bet that Drake's gotten a piece of that pie?  Probably in the wheelchair that his character was confined to.  Nina is on The Vampire Diaries now and I've never seen the show, but I guess that means she's good at sucking...blood.  Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Evgeni Nabokov Wants Octopus, Not Fishsticks

Evgeni Nabokov recently left his hockey team in Russia and turned his back on a $24 million contract to return to the NHL.  He signed a 1-year contract with the Red Wings but had to clear waivers first.  Islanders GM and former "star" goalie Garth Snow needed a netminder after backup Nathan Lawson hurt his knee on Friday, so he claimed Nabokov.  The only problem is that the Isles are the laughingstock of the NHL, so Nabokov refused to report to the team and was subsequently suspended for the season.  Not only that, but when Snow called Nabokov to inform him of the transaction, Nabokov hung up the phone.  Tres embarrassing.  You can say all you want about athletes being spoiled and having too much power, but I love it.  Who would want to play for a bad team with incompetent management that hemorrhages money and has the ugliest fans in the league?  And didn't they sign Rick DiPietro to that 15-year contract?  How's that working out?  On the plus side, Long Island girls are pretty slutty, but that doesn't make up for the fact that he's going to the 14th place team in the Eastern Conference.  We can all hope that the end result in all of this is that Gary Bettman realizes that Long Island is not a good place for a hockey team and moves the Islanders to Winnipeg or Quebec City.

Yahoo!

How Do You Say "Smoosh" In Italian?

The Jersey Shore kids are heading to Italy for Season 4.  It's perfect.  Season 3 is a tour de force, like Michelangelo's David or Andrew Dice Clay.  Jersey Shore needs to continue forever but you need to shake things up.  The Israeli stalker.  Vinny's giant cock.  Deena.  Miami was a great change of pace, but where else could you bring them where they were completely out of water but still belong?  Italy.  BOOM!  How long will it be until Snooki asks about the Leaning Tower of Pizza?  After a return to Seaside for Season 5, I'd like to see the kids try their hand in LA.  There are plenty of actresses willing to make a name for themselves out there.  How about the Situation at an audition?  Eventually, we need to get the kids on a tour bus and take them around the country like the final season of Rock of Love and finally TJ Lavin needs to get them on The Challenge.  I seriously can't get enough of these kids.  Great job by MTV.  Grazie.

Entertainment Weekly

Kaya Scodelario: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

I don't know what it is about the bad girls.  Kaya Scodelario plays Effy on Skins.  She fucks in school, does lots of drugs, and wears a ton of eye shadow.  I could definitely bring her home to Mom.  Accrording to Wikipedia, she recently turned 18 and has battled with low self-esteem throughout her life.  Might as well be a bullseye.  Also, she speaks fluent Portuguese.  Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

State of the Union 2011

I really enjoyed the State of the Union address.  It was solid and there was lots of comedy.  President Obama's entrance was WWF-esque, not quite as good as the Rock's but definitely better than Chris Masters's.  Bill Livingood did a great job channeling Howard Finkel in his "The President of the United States!" intro.  He just yelled across the House chamber without a microphone.  I was shocked.  I've never seen this part before and I loved it.  Then, the Prez came out and greeted all his fans.  I would have liked a little entrance music.  Something like Hulk Hogan's.  Obama's handshakes really had some authority on them.  I thought he was going to bust out a multi-part handshake with Hillary Clinton like they were Will Smith and Jazz.  He even pointed out that somebody shaved their beard.  It was fabulous.

The speech was pretty standard.  Way too much clapping.  Maybe it's like the game where you yell "penis" as loud as you can, only who can start a clap at the most inappropriate time.  Somebody started clapping after the President mentioned Facebook.  It didn't get very far.  Applause is like tattoos on the ladies.  If there's too much, it loses the effect.  And really, the ovations had the enthusiasm of someone rooting for a handicapped kid in a Little League game.  Put a little effort into it, guys.  I liked when the camera would cut away to a random person in the audience and for some reason CNN didn't put their name on the screen.  I know who John McCain is and all, but I don't watch C-SPAN on a regular basis.  Give me a little info.  The best cut was after the President said he wanted to "out-innovate the rest of the world" and then some Asian guy pops up on the screen.  Classic.  Joe Biden was also riveting.  I am fascinated by his giant teeth.  He might be the perfect Vice President.

I thought Obama was great.  I agreed with everything he said.  He talked about what people wanted and needed to hear although sometimes he goes a little too far talking about bipartisanship.  He's kind of like a mom telling her kid about how great sharing is.  "You just gave your toy to Timmy.  Doesn't it feel great!"  "You're sitting next to a Democrat.  Doesn't it feel great!"  It's not his fault that half of Congress are idiots and would rather vote with their political party than do the right thing.  Obama takes a lot of criticism but I still think he's the best person to run this country.  He may not be assertive enough, but the country's in a tough spot and any President now would be having a tough time.  Obama is a very smart person and it doesn't matter if you're running a gas station or a country, you want a smart person in charge.  He will adapt and figure it out.  3 Stars.

Golden Voice Leaves Rehab

Who called this about two weeks ago?  After agreeing to go to rehab, the Golden Voice himself, Ted Williams, has left Origins Recovery Center against the advice of everybody in the world.  The fame ruined this guy.  Everyone should have left him alone.  After all this drama, is anybody rooting for him anymore?  First, he got into a fight with his daughter and now he's quitting rehab.  I'm more sick of him than Sammi Sweetheart.  I can't wait for him to appear on Celebrity Rehab about a year from now.  I bet Dr. Drew is rushing to be by his side as we speak.  I know who's to blame for this whole ordeal.  Queen James.  The Decision drove Golden Voice to drugs.  Another reason to hate the Queen.  Finally, the biggest question is: how does this guy have a girlfriend and I don't have one?  Chicks dig the voice.

TMZ

RIP Credit Cards?

All these tech experts are saying that 2011 is the year that we are going to stop using credit cards and start using smartphones to make payments.  This is absurd.  My mom takes 10 minutes to type a text message that says "Hi Keith" so how is she supposed to figure this out?  Call me old fashioned, but I like being able to swipe a credit card.  A couple years ago the MTA tried to let subway riders tap their credit card against a censor instead of swiping their Metrocard and you know who uses it?  Nobody.  I don't like this idea for other reasons.  If you're making a call or texting, you couldn't make a payment without getting all complicated.  Plus, if you lose your cell phone, you are fucked beyond belief.  The dude at this Isis company is all talk and bullshit.  The same people who are going to use it are the people who are the mayor of the CVS down the street.  The point of technology is to make life more convenient.  A lot of these new apps are very cool and fill a need in the world.  This is going to save 2 seconds, tops.  No way it catches on.  I'll stick to plastic.

CNN

So Quiet

What's that sound?  It's silence.  I can think again.  I don't have to hear Rex Ryan's voice for another nine months.  It's glorious.  It was close, but the Jets were eliminated in the AFC Championship (again!) by the Steelers 24-19 last night.  So the world is right again.  The sky is blue.  Cats hate dogs.  The Jets and their fans are relegated back into second-class status behind the Gmen.

I'll be a man and give them their due.  The Jets are a solid team but you can't go to the Super Bowl after falling behind 24-0 with 1 rushing yard in the first half.  I still don't think the Sanchize is going to be anything more than a decent quarterback despite all the hype and their running game needs to improve a lot, whether it's with Shonn Green or not, but the D is phenomenal and their chemistry is unique and strong.  Personally, I'd fire Brian Schottenheimer because the offense really struggled a ton but that's not going to happen.  Overall a nice season for the Jets but there aren't any moral victories in the playoffs.  You have to win the fucking thing, Rexy.

As for Super Bowl XLV, it's a nice matchup.  Both teams are strong with good, old fanbases but neither are juggernauts.  Aaron Rodgers is having his coming-out party and Ben is looking for redemption and a chance to be a legitimate all-timer.  Throw in Clay Matthews, Troy Polamalu, AJ Hawk, and James Harrison and you have plenty of storylines to satisfy a true football fan and keep bandwagoners interested.  I've got the Steelers because of the experience.  Also, they actually have a running game.  It's going to be close, though, and it wouldn't be surprising if the Cheeseheads pulled it off.

Princess Jasmine: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Like Eli Manning in 2008, I'm going to Disney World for the rest of the week.  Gonna have to make due with Jasmine till I get back, kids.  Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Kid Protests Tuition Hikes Hilariously

On Friday, University of Colorado sophomore Nic Ramos protested the rising cost of tuition by paying for his spring semester---over $14,000---in dollar bills.  What a great idea.  It took three people an hour to count the money.  If he went to NYU like me, it would have taken at least five people two hours.  College is way too expensive.  Nobody really learns anything unless you're something crazy like a physics major, anyways.  The money just goes to these presidents and administrators who don't do much and are wildly overpaid.  That's where our money's going.  At least Nic made them work for it and let them see how absurd the amount is.  Plus, it's always been my dream to walk around with a 33-pound duffel bag filled with money.  That must have been awesome.  Good thing he didn't lose it.

NY Times

The Dilemma

I would watch Vince Vaughn do anything: go to the post office, order a pizza, play tennis.  The way he talks and interacts with other people is unlike anything I've ever seen.  He is everybody's best friend.  That is why his movies are so good.  Their premises are simple and his personality drives each one.  It is fun and enjoyable to be in his presence.  Plus, he doesn't oversaturate himself like the Seth Rogans of the world.

The Dilemma is Vince Vaughn's best movie since Wedding Crashers.  He plays Ronny Valentine, a good guy who is faced with a tough dilemma (get it!?!?!) when he catches his best friend's wife cheating on him.  Kevin James does a good Jon Favreau impression as Vince's best friend, especially compared to earlier frenzied roles such as Paul Blart.  Jennifer Connelly and Winona Rider are also great as Vince's and James's girls, respectively.  The Dilemma and its actors do a nice job of balancing comedy (with sometimes overly silly scenes) with sweet and sensitive moments.  However, Channing Tatum's portrayal of Rider's druggie sidepiece was way too frenetic and was the biggest disappointment of the movie.  Like The Break-Up and Couples Retreat, The Dilemma gets a little too serious at the end but you have to give credit that it was realistic and problems are not so easily solved in real life.  It's a great date movie, which is funny because I saw it by myself on a Monday afternoon.  If anybody else plays the role of Ronny, it's a good, silly romantic comedy, but with Vince it's a lot more.  3 stars.

Nicki Minaj: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

My friends say that Nicki Minaj looks like a transsexual alien prostitute.  If that's true, then I love transsexual alien prostitutes.  Or I'm a freak.  Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Skins American Style

The first episode of the US version of Skins was horrible.  It was nearly identical to the first episode of the British counterpart except much more watered-down.  It's understandable that most viewers have never seen the British version, but it was really like going from Playboy to Skinemax.  If Skins going to be the like that, it would have been nice to see more of an American twist or go in a different direction.  The acting was subpar, even for MTV.  It was over-the-top and in-your-face.  Every joke does not need to be spelled out and so obvious.  The actors did everything short of winking every time you were supposed to laugh.  Subtlety, people!  The most egregious mistake, however, was the casting.  Part of the appeal of Skins is that the actors are actually teenagers and not like the cast of Scream.  The British cast looked like they had some mileage on them, though.  Drew Barrymore-style.  The Americans seemed so small and young.  All the characters are fucked up, but there's just something more inherently appealing and likable about those Brits.  They're flawed but you're rooting for them.  The Americans come off whiny and spoiled.  The biggest mistake was the casting of Tony, the show's most important character.  Nicholas Hoult plays British Tony with an magnetism that makes you want to let him hook up with your sister.  He's an asshole and he doesn't care about you, but you want to be friends with him anyway.  In contrast, James Milo Newman does a fairly average job with American Tony, but doesn't leave you wanting to find out what going to happen next week.  And that, my friends, is the most important thing.  I'll stick to The Hard Times of RJ Berger.  1 star.

Back of the Suite - 1/14/11

I've seen worse on the subway [NY Post]
Italian Prime Minister involved with teenage hookers [Guardian]
Cool volcano pics [Gawker]
Duane Reade Bar [NY Times]
Oprah singlehandedly raises Kraft stock [NY Daily News]
Great Jets newspaper covers [Deadspin]

Enjoy the long weekend.  Stay out of trouble.

Free Sandwiches for Everybody!

Panera Bread just opened up their third "pay as you wish" Panera Cares store in Portland, Oregon.  I love it, as does every homeless person in Portland.  Founder Ron Shaich asks, "Will people step up and help each other or will they take advantage?"  Bill Walton can help all he wants, I'm going to take advantage.  Open one of these babies up in New York and I'll be there everyday.  Whoops, I only have $3 in my wallet, sorry.  I love going to a museum with a suggested donation and then just giving a couple of balled-up singles so the girl I'm with doesn't think I'm a cheap bastard.  I'm sure there are enough do-gooders in the world to more than compensate for my cheapskateness.  So here's my plea to you, Mr. Shaich.  Let's get a Panera Cares up in the Greatest City in the World.  Preferably somewhere close to Union Square.

ABC News

Gucci Mane's Tattoo

It's a masterpiece, isn't it?  There's nothing that says to rivals "don't fuck with me" than getting an ice cream cone tattooed to your face.  I'm serious.  The craziest thing you can do in the world is getting a face tattoo.  And an ice cream face tattoo?  Certifiable.  Gucci Mane needs to spend some time at the insane asylum with KG.  I always thought that getting a tear tattoo meant you were in a gang.  I stay away from those people on the street.  Maybe Gucci goes gangbanging in an ice cream truck.  According to his spokesperson, it represents Gucci being as cool as ice.  Gucci, bro bro, the first lesson of being cool is that you don't need to tell everyone how cool you are.  The ice cream tattoo is a little bit of a violation.  Plus it looks like a temporary tattoo my little cousin would have.  Stay chill.

The Source

Lea Michele: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

I just don't get Glee.  I enjoy the songs and all if they pop up on Grooveshark, but an hour-long show about a glee club?  If I'm going to watch an hour-long show, it better be great.  Mad Men-great.  With that said, look at Lea Michele licking that lollipop.  Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

GQ

Miscarriage of Justice

This is a tragic story.  Two teachers at Brooklyn's James Madison High School, Cindy Mauro and Alini Brito, were caught having a sex romp at school in 2009.  Now they've both been fired.  What an outrage.  These ladies shouldn't be punished, they should be rewarded.  I am a huge supporter of love in all its forms.  Heck, I've probably had more experience with lesbians that Ellen Degeneres.  Mauro and Brito were no doubt simply trying to teach their students about love.  It's a high school for goodness sakes.  How many kids gave each other a high five when they heard the news?  When I originally read the story I gave myself a high five.  I will not rest until these ladies are rehired.  OK, I'm probably going to forget about it in five minutes but whatever.

NY Daily News

Back of the Suite - 1/13/11

We all scream for turf war [NY Post]
This is why I cover myself in Axe [CNN]
Never marry a girl named Kayte [US Weekly]
Must be a Screech fan [Chicago Tribune]
Well, duh [Rumor Fix]
Mr. October to Jets: "Shut up" [ESPN]
Stay classy, Philly [Morning Call]
I hope Rex Ryan reads this [NY Times]
Nice story about anthem gone wrong [Yahoo!]
Maybe you shouldn't have traded half the team [NBC Sports]

It's Thursday.  First night of the weekend.  You know what to do.

Amar'e on Letterman

In honor of Amar'e appearing on Letterman tonight, I'd like to present the top 10 reasons why Amar'e should be an All-Star starter:

10. He scored 30 points in nine consecutive games.  That's nine more than Brian Scalabrine.
9. He's much better than Chris Bosh (sorry, LeBron.)
8. The Jewish scene in LA is really nachas.
7. Doesn't Kevin Garnett need to be at the insane asylum that weekend?
6. Anna Wintour and Andre Leon Talley already bought seats next to Jack Nicholson.
5. He's more fun to go skinny dipping with than Eddy Curry.
4. LA chicks dig the goggles.  Just ask Kareem.  [insert high-pitched Letterman laugh here]
3. This and this.
2. It'll be fun to spend some quality time with Carmelo.

and the #1 reason Amar'e Stoudemire should be an All-Star starter.............................

1. THE KNICKS ARE BACK.

I thought Amar'e did a great job tonight.  He's charming.  He's funny.  He's everything you could ask for in a New York superstar.  The NBA released its final update before starters for the All-Star Game are announced and Amar'e passed KG by more than 90,000 votes.  It looks like we proved, once again, that New York fans are better than Boston fans.

A Party In a Body

Jersey Shore is one of the most contrived shows in television and I love every second of it.  I don't care if every episode is exactly the same and they're terrible people.  It's like getting back with your old friends.  Even if they're scumbags, it's a ton of fun.  Deena brings something to the table.  She's like a cuter Snooki.  Like the Situation said, stripping down in the first episode definitely has her on track to be Rookie of the Year.  Sweetheart-Jwoww II wasn't quite Balboa-Creed II but it was better than any heavyweight fight there's been in a while.

The second episode was a little slower.  It had its moments.  Sitch trying to pull a robbery on Vinny's girl and DJ Pauly D mispronouncing "filet mignon" were my highlights.  I always enjoy seeing the crowds form around them as they're walking on the boardwalk as well.  As much as I love the show, though, the problem is that they're stretching it out into too many episodes.  Ronnie and Sammi need to come to resolution on their relationship soon.  I've always defended Sammi.  I think she's the hottest of the girls.  I'd hook up with all of them.  Even Snooki.  Especially Snooki.  Sammi is just so boring.  All she wants to do is lie in bed and ask Ronnie, "What would you do in my situation?"  Go to the beach!  If I was making $50,000 to have some cameras follow me around, I'd have some fun and go to the beach.  I'm just not interested in them if they're going to mope all day.  Replace Sammi with a cute blonde guidette and ban any of the cast mates from dating.  BOOM.  Ronnie needs to dance and start trouble again.  This show could go on for 20 years and I would watch every episode.

Las Vegas Running Diary Day 4

SUNDAY

9:15 AM-I am not in good shape.  My body is bloated and weak.  This is what Eddy Curry must feel like.  Luckily, I’m not the only one feeling it.  The crew is noticeably less chipper than the mornings before.

9:45-I manage to get out of bed and shuffle over to the fridge to get some water.  On the kitchen counter, there’s at least 10 empty bottles of alcohol from the night before.  Just the look of them makes me wretch.  My stomach feels like a washing machine filled with In-n-Out Burger.

10:15-I get my act together and go down to the pool to dry out again.  Despite my best efforts not to get burned and the fact that I’ve been putting on sunscreen about every 15 minutes, I currently look like Johnny Drama at Comic-Con.

11:00-The Boston douchebags are back.  They are loud and obnoxious.  This time they brought a Nerf football with them.  They’re throwing it around the pool.  Not just a little back-and-forth but across the length of the pool.  For some reason, nobody stops them.  I can’t stand it but I am hypnotized as they Drew Bledsoe the ball out of the pool at least 52 times.

12:15 PM-The contents of my stomach are begging to be expelled.  I try to go upstairs again and see if I can get some vomiting privacy this time but I can’t.  The crew is back drinking again.  They’re like Terminators, the Robert Patrick version.  Fela is especially going hard.  He’s mixing his liquors…DON’T CROSS THE STREAMS!  He keeps singing “bottles on me” and of course they’re on him, he’s drinking it all.

12:30-Someone tells Fela to stop drinking so much Arbor Mist which leads to him unleashing the single greatest line of the trip: “Bitch, it’s not Arbor Mist, it’s Alize!”

12:45-The guys head out to a pool party at the Wynn with TylerDurden.  I would go but I don’t want to spend $200 for a half a bottle of vodka.  Also, I can barely walk.  I politely wave goodbye to the guys and get ready to do my best Karen Carpenter impression.

12:46-BLARGGHHHGHGHGHHGH…I raise my arms in triumph as I vomit.  There’s no better feeling than purposely purging your body of alcohol.  I feel like a new man.

1:30-With my batteries recharged, I decide to walk down the Strip.  I am also quite hungry now.  I go to a food court and get a burrito from Del Taco.  That’s another great reason to go out to the West Coast.  Gotta love the bizarro fast food options.  I mean, seriously, Carl’s Jr?

4:00-My first fantasy football draft of the season is about to take place.  I have no idea why it’s taking place in the second week of the preseason.  I get someone's computer from upstairs and take it to the pool.  Doing my draft by the pool may be the greatest idea I ever had.  Between picks, I do handstands in the pool.  Unfortunately, the chick next to me was pretty hot and I blame her for drafting Clinton Portis.

5:00-I finish a mediocre draft and get back to the room just as the guys are getting back from the pool party.  Apparently, it was crazy.  There was word of a triple make-out session and other general debaucherous behavior.  However, they’re all wrecked.  Kanye and Fugitive are discussing going to In-n-Out Burger with our girls and I tell them I am most definitely in.

6:00-I’m reading my book in one of the bedrooms and I go to look for Kanye and Fugitive but I can’t find them.  BoozySleazy says they just left.  There is no way I am missing the taxi to In-n-Out.  This is a once-every-year type of meal and I’m not going to miss out on having it on back-to-back days.  While not as quick as my escape from Mad Cabbie, I run through the hotel and get to the taxi stand just in time.  A delicious voyage awaits.

7:00-We get a long table and chow down on delicious Double Doubles.  Two girls wearing the classic In-n-Out server paper hats ask if we can take their picture.  The more important question is: where did you get those awesome hats?!?  We go to the front and ask for hats for our whole crew.  They generously oblige.  This is how you know In-n-Out Burger is awesome.  We’re rolling close to 10 deep and now we're all rocking In-n-Out server hats.  Old Vegas time?  Old Vegas time.

7:30-We taxi over to Old Vegas and it’s actually kind of a long ride.  It’s my first time there and it is awesome.  Lights all over the place.  It’s very retro but a huge LCD roof playing music videos covers everything.  It’s like the 60’s mixed with the 21st Century but if nothing happened in between.  That means Vanilla Ice never existed in Old Vegas.  How could you not love it?

8:00-As you can imagine, a large group of people wearing In-n-Out paper hats tends to attract a bit of attention.  There are street performers all over the place so everyone assumes we are about to break into some sort of act, but we’re just standing around.  All of a sudden, a really kitschy disco show starts on a big stage in front of us and we can’t help but dance.  As Love Rollercoaster blares, we put on a performance that has all the foreign tourists circle us and take pictures.

8:30-All the casinos are offering ridiculously cheap table games and drinks so we have to check it out.  Fugitive wants to play blackjack again.  I give him advice again and he does admirably despite facing off against a SABD.  Everyone is asking about our hats but we really don’t have a good answer.  Actually the only good one is “we’re just weirdos.”  Some mentally disabled guy in the bathroom starts asking me about my hat while I’m taking a piss.  I tell him I work at In-n-Out Burger.  He follows me out of the bathroom and keeps asking questions.  I run a pick with a showgirl like I’m Reggie Miller and lose him.

9:30-Surprisingly, I haven’t had a drink all day and this needs to change.  My stomach feels better, we’re having fun, and it’s our last night.  I stop into a store and buy a 6-pack of Coors Light.  I want to get drunk fast so I announce that I am going to finish the sixer in 10 minutes.  Everyone is dubious.

9:31-Finish the first one.  Not so bad.  I’m burping a little.

9:33-Took a little longer this time but I’m trying to pace myself.  Feeling the buzz.

9:38-Finish the third.  There’s no way I’m going to finish them all so I change my goal to 15 minutes.  I’m burping a lot.

9:45-I get distracted by a guy interviewing people on the street.  A camera is projecting the interview on the roof and the guy says it’s the largest TV in the world.  I am dubious but ponder his statement like the scholar that I am.  I don't lost my beer-drinking challenge so much as I forget about it.

10:00-Kanye and Fugitive get 40’s of Olde English.  We sit on the floor pretending to be homeless people and collecting money in our In-n-Out hats.  At this point, it was time to leave.  Since we’re so classy, we get a limo back to the Strip and drink beer out of champagne flutes.

10:30-We decide to go to Caesar’s Palace.  They’re filming a movie at a blackjack table.  I decide that I need to be a part of it and walk back-and-forth in the background.  Finally a security guard tells me I need to stop or I will be ejected.  I leave but not before I place my In-n-Out hat on a statue of Caesar Maximus himself.  Oh yeah, we were all still wearing our hats.

11:15-We stumble back to our hotel.  I find a giant wet floor sign and bring it back to our room.  I put it by the Jacuzzi and find it very appropriate.

12:00 AM-We’re going to end the weekend with a hotel party.  Smooth is the DJ and is playing the widest array of songs with no words and repetitive beats I’ve ever heard.  BoozySleazy and TylerDurden brought over some hot girls from California and somehow two Italian interpreters from the Miss Universe pageant going on across the street end up at our party.  Mind you, these ladies weren’t in the competition.  Far from it.

1:00-I’m drinking and mingling.  Our flight is in a few hours and I’m looking forward to collapsing into my seat on the plane.  One of the California girls says she loves the Katy Perry song California Girls.  How original.  Drunk Keith thinks it would be a great idea to play said song immediately.  Smooth shoots daggers into my eyes.  I put his mix back on.

2:15-I can’t decide how drunk to get.  I’ve never done one of these up-all-night early flights so I hover in a zone right below the fourth hour of The Today Show.  Fela disappears into the bathroom with one of the interpreters.  Apparently, Fela wanted a quick Italian lesson from him, I mean, her.

3:30-I think I’m going crazy.  I’ve slept about 10 hours combined in three nights.  Fela puts on his Drake song.  I’m staring out the window and try to burn the view into my memory so I never forget it.  I’m trying not to fall asleep and drift in and out of consciousness.  My mind feels like it’s on fire.  I swear I hear the words “bottles on me” for what sounds like 100 times in a row.  Maybe I really am going crazy.  I look over at Fela.  He’s been replaying the same 5 seconds of the song for about 3 minutes.  I don’t know how much longer I can last.

4:00-It’s finally time to head to the airport.  BoozySleazy and I say bye to everyone and hop in a taxi.  We start talking to some cute girls from Montreal.  I speak some horrible French and they giggle.  As we settle in to our seats, I look over.  Mr. I-Never-Fall-Asleep-On-An-Airplane is already snoring.  My nose starts bleeding.  Vegas baby.  Vegas.

Oh, That Karma

"It's just how I was feeling at the time.  It wasn't even a comment from me, it was someone who sent it to me and I sent it out. It wasn't toward that team. It definitely wasn't a good showing by that team last night, I know they wish they would've played better."---Queen James

We're all giving Queen James a little too much credit here.  The kid didn't have a stable life growing up.  He didn't know what contraction meant.  He's no genius.  Now he's taking back his tweet from the other night that said, "Crazy. Karma is a b****. Gets you every time. It's not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!" after the Cavs were demolished by the Lakers.  It's just not a good idea to take anything he says seriously.  James is perhaps the most villainous athlete in all of sports.  He either needs to go in full-heel mode or stop talking.  You can't do both.  Sports are best when you have good guys and bad guys and LeBron can't decide who he wants to be.  Choose one already.  Luckily, karma was on all of our sides as the Heat lost to the 13-24 Clippers last night and the Queen sprained his left ankle.  He's day-to-day.

ESPN

Keira Knightley: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY IS SINGLE!  KEIRA KNIGHTLEY IS SINGLE!  Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

Twice As Nice As Ice!

So here's the video the Knicks put together with DJ Steve Porter to promote Amar'e for the All-Star Game.  A solid effort.  Lots of star power.  Tracy Morgan, Drake, Justin Tuck, WWE Champ The Miz, DJ Pauly D, Fabolous, and Judah Freelander to name a few.  It's a shame Woody Allen wasn't involved in some capacity.  Now we need to get Amar'e voted in as a starter.  He singlehandedly reunited Turtle with Jamie-Lynn Sigler.  If Timofey Mozgov did that, he should be a starter too.  I can't imagine what types of videos the Celtics are making.  Maria Menounos and Donnie Wahlberg?  Please.  Go to voteknicks.com and please let's make this happen.

Back of the Suite - 1/12/11

How about more money? [NY Daily News]
People are idiots [CNN]
Have a nice fall [AOL]
Anyone remember MySpace? [NY Times]
Yeah and I've "tried" alcohol [US Weekly]
Snooki corrupts child [AOL]
2009 World Series MVP pregnant [US Weekly]
Amar'e and 'Melo LOL [Yahoo!]
Anna Benson retires [FOX Sports]
For the Philly girl in your life [Philadelphia Union]

Enjoy the snow, other 49 states.  Sapphire, I'll see you soon.  I'm going to watch some Skins.

What a Dumbass

"Sports reporter" Ines Sainz got famous over the summer when several members of the Jets and their staff sexually harassed her at training camp.  Despite the fact that her ass explodes out of every pair of pants she wears and she goes around asking players if she can measure their muscles, she wanted to be taken seriously and she did not appreciate the Jets' actions and comments.  Now, Ines the Greek is picking the Jets to win the Super Bowl.  It looks like we have an early nominee for the Hypocrite of the Year Award.  First, she doesn't want any attention.  The Jets are 8.5-point dogs on Sunday.  They haven't won in 42 years.  And they sexually harassed her.  Picking them to win the Super Bowl---THAT WON'T GET YOU ANY ATTENTION!!!  Sainz goes on to say, "[The Jets] are like a star in the movies."  This goes to show that if you treat a girl like dirt, she'll fall in love with you.  I'm not saying she has to hate the Jets, but just don't pick them to have their greatest moment in nearly a half-century.  Oh, that guy crashed into my car, he's totally going to get that promotion at work!  Does anybody in the world care what Ines Sainz thinks?  Why is she making football predictions to begin with?  Stick to the futbol, honey.  And keep your feet away from Rex Ryan.

NY Daily News

The Best Snowshovelers Ever

Everyone always says that New Yorkers are mean and selfish.  Here's a heartwarming story that proves that it's not true.  The strippers of the Cheetah Club (I'm a regular there---hi, Sapphire!) got together and cleaned off the sidewalks in Times Square today to make things safe for children and handicapped people.  These ladies were obviously disgusted by Mayor Bloomberg's incompetence during the Christmas blizzard and took matters into their own hands.  That's how we are as New Yorkers.  We're tough, we're proactive, we're compassionate.  Normally, the guys that do my parents' driveway don't even speak English.  Now, I'm not saying these women do know how to speak English, but I know that I just love their gigantic, jiggly hearts.

Dealbreaker [NSFW!]

Love Kills

Richard Sanden was arrested Saturday night after the woman he was having sex with died and police suspcted that something wasn't kosher.  Sanden shouldn't be ashamed of anything.  This happens to me all the time, or at least the girls I'm with seem like they're dead.  The only problem was that Sanden recorded the encounter and upon viewing the videotape, cops charged him with necrophilia and mutilating a corpse on top of an original abusing a corpse charge.  Sanden says that he didn't realize that his girl was dead.  I'm sure that's going to hold up in court.  Must've been some exciting sex.  So that's a lesson for you, all my Rainman Suiters, if you are fucking a corpse, do not record it.

Washington Times-Herald

Queen James Is a Bitch, I Mean, Karma

LeBron James tweeted, "Crazy. Karma is a b****.. Gets you every time. Its not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!" after the Cavaliers got destroyed by the Lakers 112-57.  How whiny does LeBron come off after this tweet?  OK, he and Dan Gilbert have a beef, but the Cavs have the worst record in the league and it's like kicking sand in their face.  Leave them alone.  He was the one that went on TV and broke Cleveland's heart.  Queen James is arguably the least popular player in the NBA.  If you're going to embrace it the villain role, embrace it.  Don't be a bitch. 

Twitter

Aim For the Flattop

Ghostbusters is awesome.  Ghostbusters II is underrated.  For the past few years, there have been rumors that a Ghostbusters III is in the works.  Now a script has been written and it's almost ready to go.  Director Ivan Reitman says he thinks it is the best of the three movies.  The only holdup?  Bill Murray hasn't read it.  Murray is notoriously odd, but you can't have a Ghostbusters movie without him.  If Reitman is right, Ghostbusters III will make a ton of money but only if the original cast is on board.  Even if it's a piece of garbage, it'll make a ton of money.  Little Fockers did.  Dan Aykroyd needs to scour Brooklyn, find Bill Murray, and get him to read this script.  It's not like he's busy doing anything else.

CNN

Las Vegas Running Diary Day 3

SATURDAY

8:45 AM-I wake up next to a large black man.  I’m either in jail or Fela is spooning me.  I check my asshole and everything seems to be in place.  It’s Fela.  I’m as tired as I was the morning before but with none of the first-day rush.

9:15-Everyone starts getting up.  I lie in bed and hear unfamiliar female voices.  They’re talking about me.  I want to say something but I’m too tired.  Pretty soon they’re throwing things at me.  I finally decide to rise and shine.

10:00-Everyone leaves for breakfast.  I am still trying to work my way up to a sip of water so I let them go on their way.  I go to dry out by the pool.

11:00-My stomach feels like a washing machine filled with Chinese food.  I eventually get a little water down and listen to my iPod.  It’s all about little steps.

12:00 PM-I read a little of my book.  My mind can finally handle reading comprehension.  I even manage to go in the pool and walk back-and-forth a few times.  I probably look like an 80-year-old recovering from a stroke, which isn’t exactly an Olympic stroke but I think it may count as a freestyle.  I’ll have to look that up sometime.

1:00-You know that feeling before you’re about to vomit when there’s a ton of saliva in the back of your mouth?  I had that feeling the whole morning but now it’s getting worse.  The last thing I want to do is shut down the pool by blowing chunks everywhere, so I run upstairs fully prepared to puke to my heart’s content.

1:15-I’ve never been more excited to be back at my place without a girl, but I hear noises inside.  The crew is back.  I can’t be a bitch and let them think I can’t handle Vegas.  I drink some more water.  They’re working on the leftover booze from the night before.  The mere smell makes me feel ever sicker.  Today isn’t going to be fun.  I have no idea how they do it.

2:00-Fela has a MGM Grand room key from when his friend stayed there before.  We decide to use it to sneak into their pool area.  It’s awesome.  Pools, waterfalls, fountains, and a giant lazy river connecting it all.  I immediately christen it the Boozy River.  No relation to BoozySleazy.

2:30-We find a spot to camp out and enjoy the surroundings.  Lots of alcohol, lots of girls, and yes, lots of tattoos.  I really want an inner tube but there are none available.  I see a pretty girl getting out of the water with a tube and I swim after her.  She seems happy when I say hi to her, but I just ask for her tube.  She seems mildly disappointed.  That’s how I get all the chicks.

2:45-Armed with my new toy, I’m finally having a good time and my hangover is becoming a memory.  I’m relaxing on top of my tube when a semi-cute girl wearing an Ed Hardy hat comes over.  I’m thinking she’s into me because, of course, the tube is a huge turn-on.  All of a sudden, she dives down, flips the tube over, and knocks me off.  SHE STOLE MY TUBE!  In her defense, it was the greatest flip since Derek Jeter threw out Jeremy Giambi.  She smiles at me as she sails away down the Boozy River.

3:00-Everyone is laughing at me.  My manhood stolen by a chick in a freakin’ Ed Hardy hat.  I take a couple minutes to scavenge another tube and then we decide to explore all that the Boozy River has to offer.  It’s like an alcoholic version of the Jungle Cruise at Disney World.  Around every corner is a new alcoholic adventure.  Will the guy in the NASCAR tanktop be able to shotgun his entire beer?  Will the girl with the 34D’s stay in her bikini as she uneasily jumps into a tube?  Oh no, it’s a fat dude!  How will we ever get around him?

4:15-There are some really hard occupations out there.  President of the United States.  Heart surgeon.  Quarterback.  But to me, there has to be no harder job in the world than being the guy who has to clean the Boozy River.  I’ve seen some drunk bastards in my day, but I’ve never seen such dirty drunk bastards as I did in the Boozy River.  The level of cleanliness of some of these people was one level above caveman.  I don’t even want to think about some of the bodily fluids that are undoubtedly spilled by these inbreds with their classy moral standards.  If a girl has a sword tattooed between her tits, you know she has no problem with jacking off some guy in the Boozy River.  It’s a shame the people that clean this mess up weren’t around for Katrina.

5:30-We take a couple more spins around the Boozy River but it’s getting chilly and I want to watch the Giants game.  It's only the preseason but it’s still pretty cool to watch a game in a sports book.  I was going to bet a parlay on the Gmen and the next day’s Yankees game since CC Sabathia is pitching, but the whole trying not to vomit thing distracted me and I forgot to do it before going to the Boozy River.  I get to the the sports book a few minutes before halftime and Rhett Bomar is sidearming passes all over the field.  As much as I love gambling, betting on a preseason game is pretty much like betting on a coin flip.  I can't believe the amount of cheering going on for scrubs who will not play a snap all year.  With that said, I was upset I didn’t bet on Rhett Bomar, who will not play a snap all year.

6:45-The Giants lose but cover.  Should have placed that bet!  I get back to the room and everyone is pumped for dinner at In-n-Out Burger.  It may have been the only food that I was willing to eat at the time.  I’m sure that Double Doubles taste just as good on the way out as the way in.

7:30-I eat very slowly and my stomach is unsettled, but it’s so good.  I know it’s a bad idea, but I get fries and a Coke too and smother everything in ketchup.  It was totally worth it.

8:00-BoozySleazy and Fugitive want to play blackjack.  Fugitive played the day before but went through all his money in a few minutes.  BoozySleazy and I decide to change his fortunes around.  Fugitive is a novice.  He's staying on all the 14’s and everyone at our table gradually leaves.  Down to his last hand, his luck eventually changes.  BoozySleazy and I coach him and he learns to play aggressively.  He makes his money back and then some.  It’s a proud moment.  Kind of like watching your kid ride a bike without training wheels.  It was also nice to know him in another way besides the guy that fucked Shrek in my bed.

8:30-It's our big going out night.  We’re going to Rain at the Palms.  I know that anything less than my ‘A’ game is unacceptable, but I’ve been in recovery all day.  I just worked my way up to solid food.  The pregame has begun but there’s no way I can start yet.  I’m like Willis Reed before Game 7.  I need a little more prep time before I come out of the tunnel.  I go for a walk to the hotel across the street, the Aria.

8:45-And now it’s time for America’s favorite game show, Athlete or Rapper!  A well-dressed black guy is laying down major money at the craps table…there’s no way he’s a doctor!  So is he an athlete or rapper?!?!?!?!?!?!?!  Don’t lie and say you’ve never played before.  I watch this guy play craps for almost five minutes while I run him through my mental database of celebrities.  I just couldn’t pick it out, though.  I end up choosing athlete because he’s a bit tall but who knows.  He notices me staring at him so it’s time to get out of there before he kicks my ass.  And that’s all for today on Athlete or Rapper!  Stay tuned next for Gay or European!

9:00-The Aria is nice, but a bit decadent.  I think Liberace built it.  It’s a good thing it wasn’t designed when the economy was good and then opened when the economy sucked.  Oh wait, it was.  It’s a little sad about all these places that were planned during better times but seriously, there should have been better planning.  You can’t have empty buildings on the Strip.  It’s ridiculous.  At least there will be plenty of cheap hotel rooms for many years to come.

9:30-I pick up some vodka and Red Bull on the way back and have my Here Comes Willis moment as I make my valiant return to the room ready to drink.  OK, maybe nobody really noticed but I was excited.

10:15-I’m starting my second VRB and Fela wants to lay down some ground rules for the bottle that he’s going to be splitting with BoozySleazy and I.  We're each going to select one girl that will be allowed to drink from our bottle.  She would be our “designated drinker” and would only be able to drink a certain amount.  Unlimited mixers, though!  What can I say?  Fela’s an accountant.

11:00-I’ve lowered the amount of vodka in my VRB compared to the nights before and my stomach is doing better.  My energy levels are reaching incredible levels, especially compared to my condition earlier in the day.  It’s a testament to my commitment to alcoholism.

11:30-We taxi it over to the Palms and wait in line for the privilege of forking over $190 to get in the club and a third of a bottle of Svedka.  These clubs have a nice racket.  Paying almost $600 for something that costs $30 at the liquor store in Astor Place.  Pussy’s a powerful drug.

11:45-I’m not going to lie.  It’s pretty cool to get a table and be able to sit in the VIP section.  We’re doing the Boozy Dance, the obscenely priced vodka is flowing, and life is good.  I stumble around and look for my Designated Drinker.

12:15 AM-There she is.  The love of my life for the next few hours.  A tiny blonde girl drinking a Miller Lite.  I go over and we talk a little.  She’s actually a sweetheart.  Her name is Brittany, she loves football, and she works with special ed kids.  I’m not making this up.  It’s impossible to be more up my alley.  I pour her some vodka.

1:00-Brittany and I are going at it.  She’s so hot.  I’m so drunk.  I want her more than a Double Double.  Then I have a genius idea.  My favorite bar, Ghostbar, is on the top of the Palms.  What better place to make out with a total stranger than overlooking the Strip?  She needs to get permission from her friends and then we’re off.

1:15-Houston, we have a problem.  Her friends won’t let her go off by herself.  Who do they think I am?  Robert Chalmers?  I reluctantly invite the friends and tell them how cool Ghostbar is.  They won’t budge.  They want to stay at Rain.  Enter Drunk Keith.  Instead of staying, I decide to make a point and head up to Ghostbar by myself.  Probably not the best way to impress a girl.

1:30-Ghostbar is awesome.  Probably the coolest view in the world.  You can see lights for miles and miles and the Strip is right there.  There’s music and drinks but no Brittany.  I realize what an idiot I am and go check on her.

1:45-She’s already talking to Smooth.  I have no chance and wonder if I can revoke her Designated Drinker status.  I linger and veer into stalker territory.  Maybe her friends were right about me.

2:15-I go out to the parking lot and curse my fate.  I curse Brittany.  I curse the Maloof Brothers.  I stomp around for a while and the valet looks concerned.  I decide to head back in before he calls the cops.

2:45-I don’t want to see Brittany so I go up to Ghostbar but I’m pretty depressed.  I try to get some of the guys to come up and meet me, but they’re having fun at Rain.  I look out at the lights and try not to fall off the building.

3:15-I go back to Rain and it's starting to empty out.  Half the guys have left but the ones who are still there want to stay.  Brittany is gone forever.  I’m pissed and getting really sick of house music so I decide to take a taxi home by myself.  And that was my first problem.

3:30-All the camp counselors I’ve ever had must be shaking their head at my blatant violation of the buddy system.  I’m in a bad mood and drunk, so I cut the taxi line and hop in the first taxi I see.  The guy starts driving and I tell him to head back to the Planet Hollywood.  He asks me if I want to go to a strip club.  I just want to go to my hotel.  The taxi goes in the opposite direction.  I remind him where I want to go, but Mad Cabbie says he’s taking me to a strip club.  At this point I start freaking out.  I yell to him to stop and let me out but he goes faster.  I’m in a cab in Las Vegas by myself in the middle of the night heading out into the middle of nowhere.  All my yelling gets me nowhere.  We eventually get to a stop light and I make my daring escape.  I grab 5 singles, throw them at Mad Cabbie, quickly unlock my door, jump out, and start running.  For all I know, he’s going to run me down in his cab.  Luckily, a few other cars get to the intersection and Mad Cabbie drives away.  I let out a huge sigh of relief, but I know my adventure isn't over yet.  The other cars drive away as well and I’m alone on a desolate industrial road.  It’s pitch black and there’s no cars or people in sight.  There’s a ton of homeless people and crime in Las Vegas and I have no idea who is lurking.  Did I mention that I was staggeringly drunk?

3:45-  It’s hard to see the Strip but I know I’m on the wrong side of the highway that separates it from the Palms.  On top of that, Mad Cabbie took me much further north of where I need to go.  I decide that the first thing I need to do is cross the highway.  I set a new personal speed record running even though I’m in my dress shoes and find an underpass.  I’m in a city of lights and sounds but it's way too empty and quiet.  I fully expect somebody to jump out at me Jason Voorhees-style while I go past one of the massive concrete supports.  I stop for a second and collect my thoughts.  I can honestly say this was one of the scariest moments of my life.  I start running like Michael Johnson and scream at the top of my lungs to frighten any potential evil-doers away.  I am fully prepared to Daniel-san anyone that gets in my way even if it's Mother Theresa.  My lungs burn but I cross unscathed.

4:00-I run in the same direction to try to get to the Strip.  I’m close but I can’t find an opening to actually get on it.  I find a road I think will get me there but I end up in the employee parking lot for Caesar’s Palace.  This isn’t ideal but at least I know I won’t be killed by a homeless person.  There’s still no way to hit the Strip, but then like a savior a cleaning guy opens a door and I run in.  He looks at me strangely but luckily he hasn’t mastered the English language yet.  I roam the employees only area at Caesar’s looking for a way to bust out into the casino to freedom.  All the cleaning people stare at me but I think they could tell from the insane look in my eyes that they should leave me alone.

4:15-I reach the end of a hallway and get to a door.  I push through and end up in the Caesar’s Palace shopping mall.  It's closed and I’m the only one there.  I feel like I’m in Dawn of the Dead.  I follow the signs for the casino and push open the doors to civilization.

4:30-I’m finally on the Strip.  It takes me about an hour but at least I save some money and get my exercise for the day.  Escaping with my life from Mad Cabbie makes me forget a bit about Brittany.  A little. I put some Flo Rida on my iPod and dance back to my hotel room.  Some people are hanging out, some people are passed out, and somehow there’s still music blasting.  I’ve never been so happy to sleep on a couch.

Continue to Day 4: Old Vegas Fantasy