9:15 AM-I am not in good shape. My body is bloated and weak. This is what Eddy Curry must feel like. Luckily, I’m not the only one feeling it. The crew is noticeably less chipper than the mornings before.9:45-I manage to get out of bed and shuffle over to the fridge to get some water. On the kitchen counter, there’s at least 10 empty bottles of alcohol from the night before. Just the look of them makes me wretch. My stomach feels like a washing machine filled with In-n-Out Burger.
10:15-I get my act together and go down to the pool to dry out again. Despite my best efforts not to get burned and the fact that I’ve been putting on sunscreen about every 15 minutes, I currently look like Johnny Drama at Comic-Con.
11:00-The Boston douchebags are back. They are loud and obnoxious. This time they brought a Nerf football with them. They’re throwing it around the pool. Not just a little back-and-forth but across the length of the pool. For some reason, nobody stops them. I can’t stand it but I am hypnotized as they Drew Bledsoe the ball out of the pool at least 52 times.
11:00-The Boston douchebags are back. They are loud and obnoxious. This time they brought a Nerf football with them. They’re throwing it around the pool. Not just a little back-and-forth but across the length of the pool. For some reason, nobody stops them. I can’t stand it but I am hypnotized as they Drew Bledsoe the ball out of the pool at least 52 times.
12:15 PM-The contents of my stomach are begging to be expelled. I try to go upstairs again and see if I can get some vomiting privacy this time but I can’t. The crew is back drinking again. They’re like Terminators, the Robert Patrick version. Fela is especially going hard. He’s mixing his liquors…DON’T CROSS THE STREAMS! He keeps singing “bottles on me” and of course they’re on him, he’s drinking it all.12:30-Someone tells Fela to stop drinking so much Arbor Mist which leads to him unleashing the single greatest line of the trip: “Bitch, it’s not Arbor Mist, it’s Alize!”
12:45-The guys head out to a pool party at the Wynn with TylerDurden. I would go but I don’t want to spend $200 for a half a bottle of vodka. Also, I can barely walk. I politely wave goodbye to the guys and get ready to do my best Karen Carpenter impression.
12:46-BLARGGHHHGHGHGHHGH…I raise my arms in triumph as I vomit. There’s no better feeling than purposely purging your body of alcohol. I feel like a new man.
4:00-My first fantasy football draft of the season is about to take place. I have no idea why it’s taking place in the second week of the preseason. I get someone's computer from upstairs and take it to the pool. Doing my draft by the pool may be the greatest idea I ever had. Between picks, I do handstands in the pool. Unfortunately, the chick next to me was pretty hot and I blame her for drafting Clinton Portis.5:00-I finish a mediocre draft and get back to the room just as the guys are getting back from the pool party. Apparently, it was crazy. There was word of a triple make-out session and other general debaucherous behavior. However, they’re all wrecked. Kanye and Fugitive are discussing going to In-n-Out Burger with our girls and I tell them I am most definitely in.
6:00-I’m reading my book in one of the bedrooms and I go to look for Kanye and Fugitive but I can’t find them. BoozySleazy says they just left. There is no way I am missing the taxi to In-n-Out. This is a once-every-year type of meal and I’m not going to miss out on having it on back-to-back days. While not as quick as my escape from Mad Cabbie, I run through the hotel and get to the taxi stand just in time. A delicious voyage awaits.
7:30-We taxi over to Old Vegas and it’s actually kind of a long ride. It’s my first time there and it is awesome. Lights all over the place. It’s very retro but a huge LCD roof playing music videos covers everything. It’s like the 60’s mixed with the 21st Century but if nothing happened in between. That means Vanilla Ice never existed in Old Vegas. How could you not love it?
8:00-As you can imagine, a large group of people wearing In-n-Out paper hats tends to attract a bit of attention. There are street performers all over the place so everyone assumes we are about to break into some sort of act, but we’re just standing around. All of a sudden, a really kitschy disco show starts on a big stage in front of us and we can’t help but dance. As Love Rollercoaster blares, we put on a performance that has all the foreign tourists circle us and take pictures.
8:30-All the casinos are offering ridiculously cheap table games and drinks so we have to check it out. Fugitive wants to play blackjack again. I give him advice again and he does admirably despite facing off against a SABD. Everyone is asking about our hats but we really don’t have a good answer. Actually the only good one is “we’re just weirdos.” Some mentally disabled guy in the bathroom starts asking me about my hat while I’m taking a piss. I tell him I work at In-n-Out Burger. He follows me out of the bathroom and keeps asking questions. I run a pick with a showgirl like I’m Reggie Miller and lose him.9:30-Surprisingly, I haven’t had a drink all day and this needs to change. My stomach feels better, we’re having fun, and it’s our last night. I stop into a store and buy a 6-pack of Coors Light. I want to get drunk fast so I announce that I am going to finish the sixer in 10 minutes. Everyone is dubious.
9:31-Finish the first one. Not so bad. I’m burping a little.
9:33-Took a little longer this time but I’m trying to pace myself. Feeling the buzz.
9:38-Finish the third. There’s no way I’m going to finish them all so I change my goal to 15 minutes. I’m burping a lot.
9:45-I get distracted by a guy interviewing people on the street. A camera is projecting the interview on the roof and the guy says it’s the largest TV in the world. I am dubious but ponder his statement like the scholar that I am. I don't lost my beer-drinking challenge so much as I forget about it.
10:00-Kanye and Fugitive get 40’s of Olde English. We sit on the floor pretending to be homeless people and collecting money in our In-n-Out hats. At this point, it was time to leave. Since we’re so classy, we get a limo back to the Strip and drink beer out of champagne flutes.
10:30-We decide to go to Caesar’s Palace. They’re filming a movie at a blackjack table. I decide that I need to be a part of it and walk back-and-forth in the background. Finally a security guard tells me I need to stop or I will be ejected. I leave but not before I place my In-n-Out hat on a statue of Caesar Maximus himself. Oh yeah, we were all still wearing our hats.
11:15-We stumble back to our hotel. I find a giant wet floor sign and bring it back to our room. I put it by the Jacuzzi and find it very appropriate.12:00 AM-We’re going to end the weekend with a hotel party. Smooth is the DJ and is playing the widest array of songs with no words and repetitive beats I’ve ever heard. BoozySleazy and TylerDurden brought over some hot girls from California and somehow two Italian interpreters from the Miss Universe pageant going on across the street end up at our party. Mind you, these ladies weren’t in the competition. Far from it.
1:00-I’m drinking and mingling. Our flight is in a few hours and I’m looking forward to collapsing into my seat on the plane. One of the California girls says she loves the Katy Perry song California Girls. How original. Drunk Keith thinks it would be a great idea to play said song immediately. Smooth shoots daggers into my eyes. I put his mix back on.
2:15-I can’t decide how drunk to get. I’ve never done one of these up-all-night early flights so I hover in a zone right below the fourth hour of The Today Show. Fela disappears into the bathroom with one of the interpreters. Apparently, Fela wanted a quick Italian lesson from him, I mean, her.
3:30-I think I’m going crazy. I’ve slept about 10 hours combined in three nights. Fela puts on his Drake song. I’m staring out the window and try to burn the view into my memory so I never forget it. I’m trying not to fall asleep and drift in and out of consciousness. My mind feels like it’s on fire. I swear I hear the words “bottles on me” for what sounds like 100 times in a row. Maybe I really am going crazy. I look over at Fela. He’s been replaying the same 5 seconds of the song for about 3 minutes. I don’t know how much longer I can last.
4:00-It’s finally time to head to the airport. BoozySleazy and I say bye to everyone and hop in a taxi. We start talking to some cute girls from Montreal. I speak some horrible French and they giggle. As we settle in to our seats, I look over. Mr. I-Never-Fall-Asleep-On-An-Airplane is already snoring. My nose starts bleeding. Vegas baby. Vegas.
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