Eternal Sunshine: A Yankees 2011 Season Preview

After failing to get Cliff Lee or any significant free agents this offseason, a sense of negativity has permeated the Yankees as they head into the 2011 season. Compounded with the signings of Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez by Boston, expectations are tempered compared to years past. However, the Bombers lost no players of note besides the aging Andy Pettitte. You would think that the Yankees were a .500 team last year, BUT THEY FUCKING WON 95 GAMES AND CAME TWO WINS AWAY FROM THE WORLD SERIES!

What's Isiah Up To?

This is an interesting read about Isiah Thomas's life in exile in Miami. It's the most I've seen written about Isiah since he was fired from the Knicks. He's a bitter guy but still determined to make it back to the NBA.  Here's the most telling quote, "I'm going to fuck you up with facts." Which facts are he talking about? His playing record is great and can never be questioned but his post-playing career is awful. Am I crazy or would it make perfect sense for him to work for the Heat? I don't doubt that he would be a good scout but when it comes to managing the salary cap and making trades and signings, he's delusional if he thinks he's ever going to get another high-level management job.

Fox Sports

When You Gotta Go

In his second return to Cleveland since taking his talents to South Beach, Queen James didn't want to stick around and get booed during starting lineups again so he had an interesting solution. The Queen went to the "bathroom" while his teammates were being introduced. I know the importance of finding a toilet more than anyone, but what a bitch move. You made your bed, now lie in it. Queen James sold out his hometown for fun in the sun. That was his right, but ducking out of player intros? Man up! Everything LeBron does is the exact opposite of a stone-cold killer and that's what you need to be to win in the NBA. To make matters worse, the Heat went out and lost the game by double-digits. Jordan, Magic, and Bird must be shaking their heads. Jordan would have pissed on the other team if he really had to go.

The Knickerbocker Conundrum

A lot has been made about the Knicks' recent struggles. Before defeating Orlando, they lost nine out of 10 and six in a row including losses to juggernauts like Detroit, Milwaukee, and Charlotte. Melo has been here for 21 games now, more than a quarter of the season, so it's fair to judge him and the team since the trade. But honestly, I can't. I'm just confused.

Wrestling Video of the Week: McMahon-Helmsley Wedding

All good things must come to an end. With Wrestlemania coming up this week, it seems like an appropriate time to end our wildly popular Wrestling Video of the Week segment. Our final video may be one of the wildest. Minutes away from her marriage with Test, Stephanie McMahon finds out that she secretly wed Triple H at a drive-in in Vegas Timofey Mozgov-style while she was unconscious. As if that wasn't enough, Hunter asks Vince how many times he thinks he raped Stephanie while she was passed out. Definitely not one of the most tasteful storylines in history. With that said, I loved it.

Jose and Ozzie Canseco Pull Celebrity Boxing Switcheroo, Fail

Jose Canseco was scheduled to fight on Saturday at a celebrity boxing event. However, just as the big match was about to go on, fans noticed that his tattoos were different. It turns out Jose sent his twin brother Ozzie in his place. There hasn't been a bait-and-switch like this since Zach was supposed to go on a blind date with Mr. Belding's niece and sent Screech instead. Not helping matters is the fact that Jose texted the promoter "You have to pay him" when "Jose" demanded cash up front. The promoter didn't pay up and now he wants the $5,000 that he paid Jose earlier back.

When I was a kid, I always dreamt of having a twin and wreaking havoc on the world. We could take each other's tests, date each other's girls, go to each other's jobs, and fight in each other's celebrity boxing matches. It would be hilarious. If you ever saved your twin's life, you would have it made. He'd basically have to do anything you didn't want to do in your place. I wish I had someone like that for my community service in Hoboken.

ESPN

Trivia Time: 3/28/11 Edition

It's almost time for the NBA Playoffs, which is my favorite event of the year, especially now that the Knicks are back in it. What better way to celebrate than a trivia question? Answer is after the jump.

Which NBA franchise has gone the longest without winning the NBA Championship?

Fat Ho Burgers

If you're strolling around in Waco and feel a rumble in your belly, look no further to satisfy your hunger than Fat Ho Burgers. Yes, that is the name of a new burger joint that serves the Supa Dupa Fly Ho with Cheese and the Sloppy Ho Brisket. Coincidentally, I love sloppy ho's and brisket. For the kids and sexual predators alike, there's the Little Ho.

According to the video, the food at Fat Ho is delicious and business is booming. Maybe they can use some of the revenue to buy better signage. Personally, I enjoy the fact that it appears like restaurants in Texas are operated out of people's homes and the menu is printed off Microsoft Word. Still, it's classier than the KFC on 14th St. and 2nd Ave. I'm just surprised that Star Jones isn't somehow involved in this venture.

Fox Dallas/Ft. Worth

I Told Ya So

 

A few weeks ago, when everyone was complaining about the First Four and how it made figuring out the brackets so difficult, I wrote that people needed to shut up because we were getting two more quality teams and games in the tournament. Well, I hate to do this but it needs to be said. I TOLD YA SO!

Now, tiny Virginia Commonwealth is in the Final Four and things are a whole lot more interesting. I mean, their coach's name is Shaka. Sure beats having boring Kansas still in the tourney. If VCU dances past midnight, how long is it until Disney makes a movie about them? I wonder if Terrence Howard is available to play Coach Shaka?

Paris Hilton Was A Teenage Hooker (And Other Stories)

Neil Strauss has a new book coming out called Everyone Loves You When You're Dead, in which he reveals private moments of the celebrity interview subjects he's had over the years. There promises to be a ton of juicy secrets and I already can't wait to see what he writes about Marilyn Manson, Snoop Dogg, and Lady Gaga. However, the buzz so far is all about Paris Hilton. Strauss met her in LA as an 18-year-old. She bragged about performing a lesbian sex show for some lucky dude named Artie the night before and having implants when she was 14, then proceeded to take some E, make out with Bud Bundy, show disdain for black people, and have a threeway. Sounds like a typical night for the Stoner.

LA Weekly

Jabronis of the Week: Duke Blue Devils

Facing an 11-point deficit heading into the Sweet 16, Duke was my last shot at beating CurlySue in our March Madness Battle of the Sexes. With a impressive first half and six-point lead over Arizona at halftime, I thought Duke had me well on my way to redemption and started watching The Office on my DVR. Michael finally proposed to Holly, but then I turned back to the game and the Blue Devils were down by double-digits en route to a 93-77 loss.

I always pick Duke to lose in the second round and then last year they went all the way. Naturally, I picked them to go to the title game this time around and they bomb out. That wouldn't be so bad because I hate Duke and all its entitled bandwagon fans but of course, they were my last vestige of hope against the scourge of a sweetheart named CurlySue. So yes, before the Elite Eight even began, I was defeated by a chick who thinks a lane violation is cause for a traffic ticket. Coach K, baby, have fun recruiting tall white kids this summer but call me next year and I'll let you know if you should over or underachieve. Until then, you're a jabroni, brother.

Jesus Makin' It Rain

If Jesus wasn't resurrected, he'd be spinning in his grave after seeing this. Crystal Deans (stage name?) hated being a stripper but loved pole dancing, so she quit her job to give pole dancing lessons. Since she's a good Christian, she offers free classes every second Sunday of the month for churchgoers who bring their programs from mass. Instead of Def Leppard and Mötley Crüe, the class dances to contemporary Christian rock, which is great because Scott Stapp loves strippers and I'm sure the guys in Creed have a lot of time in their schedule to do a live performance.

Every Monday at Crunch, there used to be a pole dancing class. I hate stretching, but I was always right outside that studio watching and stretching (every once in a while) for 30 or 40 minutes. I credit my flexibility to that class.

Pole dancing for Jesus is a weird connection but still a lot less offensive than Madonna's Like A Prayer video. Plus, I really can't badmouth anything that encourage girls to get on the pole. Win!

Dlisted

Johannes Gutenberg Would Be So Upset

Star Jones released a novel this week called Satan's Sisters about a group of ladies that host a daytime talk show. I've always encouraged literacy but if I ever see somebody reading this on the subway, I'm going to slap them in the face. I tried to read the first few pages but couldn't make it past the dedication without almost vomiting. "This book is gratefully dedicated to those who sometimes choose the latter." Awful. Also, in doing my hours and hours of research, I found out that Star Jones's Twitter handle is @StarJonesEsq, which makes me even angrier. There's only one thing that'll make me happy:

Hey Star, What aisle can I find the cottage cheese in?

OK, now I feel better.

Goodbye Kickoffs, We Hardly Knew Ye

The NFL moved made several rules changes this week, including moving kickoffs up five yards to the 25-yard line. It was explained that this was to minimize the chance of injury with more touchbacks and players not being able to attain the same velocity before meeting the opposing team. Fair enough. Kevin Everett was paralyzed during a kickoff three years ago and the NFL is trying to focus more on player safety.

What is surprising to me is the outcry that resulted. Sorry, Devin Hester and Josh Cribbs. You parlayed your speed into million-dollar contracts when you play almost a tenth of the time as everyone else. Stop complaining and start practicing catching balls.

The genius Lovie Smith lamented the loss, saying that kickoffs are the most exciting play in football. What an overstatement. You know what I usually call kickoffs? Bathroom breaks. I'd rather watch Eli throw a bomb to Hakeem Nicks or lead a two-minute drill down the field. Maybe it's the fact that the Giants haven't had a kick returner of note for a while. Or maybe it's just that the teams that rely on their kick returner for points are shitty teams that can't put together a decent offensive series. Whatever the case, I won't be crying for kick returns, and if it means less injuries without severely pussifying the game, I'm all for it.

Amber Lancaster: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Amber Lancaster plays Jenny on The Hard Times of RJ Berger, possibly the most underrated show on TV. I'd watch any show Amber was on even if it was a piece of garbage, but RJ Berger actually delivers. Its second season premiere is tonight on MTV so there's no time like now to hop on the bandwagon. The show follows nerd RJ Berger and his best friend Miles as they navigate life at Pinkerton High School. RJ, however, is a sweet guy blessed with a tremendous gift: a donkey dick. The show is funny and the writing is smart. The characters actually talk like normal human beings. It's not just gags and puns for 30 minutes. Plus, there's Amber. If only I was six inches bigger. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

March Madness Battle of the Sexes: Guys Weekend

With a 50-39 lead in our March Madness challenge, CurlySue has been taunting my manhood relentlessly. Little does she know that this is all part of my master plan. Make the girl feel good about herself and then remind her she's not as smart as a man, she'll do anything you want. CurlySue is going to be making me mashed potatoes all summer. This is the weekend I take control. Here are the picks for the remainder of the tournament:

Elite Eight:
Stone: Ohio St., North Carolina, Duke, UConn, Kansas, Notre Dame,Wisconsin, UCLA
CurlySue: Ohio St., North Carolina, Arizona, UConn, Kansas, Purdue, Pitt, Florida

Final Four:
Stone: Ohio St., Duke, Notre Dame, UCLA
CurlySue: Ohio St., UConn, Kansas, Pitt

Championship:
Stone: Notre Dame def. Duke---136 points
CurlySue: Kansas def. Ohio St.---123 points

If I lose, it's going to be so embarrassing. Let's go Duke, huh?

Behind The Fur

My buddy Mike was featured by USA Today for his work as the University of Pittsburgh Panther. On top of being a hell of a beer pong player, he's not to be reckoned with in a dance battle, although I was the one who taught him how to dougie. Plus, he would never foul anyone 80 feet from the basket. Unfortunately, he now has less time to chill with the cheerleaders and more time to study for midterms after Pitt was bounced from the NCAA Tournament.

USA Today

Worst Interview Ever

LT was sentenced to six years' probation yesterday after pleading guilty to sexual misconduct and patronizing a prostitute. Then he went on Studio B with Shepard Smith on Fox News to talk about it. The result did not turn out well. I don't condone LT for what he did but at the same time, how was he supposed to know the chick was 16? As he put it, he's not going to card her. Unforgivable, however, is this interview in which he tries to defend himself. It's a shame that nobody was around to put the kibosh on this. He needs to let the whole ordeal die down. Hopefully, LT doesn't Charlie Sheen this and hit the media rounds.

Ghetto Kid Zangief

Unlike the real Zangief, this Kid Zangief story will not die. He was interviewed by the Australian version of A Current Affair and some genius dubbed the audio of Rick James from Chappelle's Show on top of it. The result is magical.

Anti-Bullying Video Necessitates More Bullying

I never really had a problem with bullying. What can I say? I'm a likable guy. Apparently, the bullying was so bad at Long Branch Middle School that a group of students did the only thing they could think of: create a lame music video. Now, I'm all against bullying but somebody at LBMS really needs to stick these kids' heads in a toilet for creating this atrocity. Look kids, if somebody's bullying you, all you have to do is start a website and write snarky things about them. It's not that hard. Great finale to the video, though. It was like Moulin Rouge.

 

Wrestling Video of the Week: Paging Dr. Austin...Featuring Mr. Socko

With Mr. McMahon laid up in the hospital with a busted foot, he had a few visitors come to say hello. First up, Mick Foley did his best to spread the cheer with his new friend Mr. Socko. Then, it was time to talk to the doctor.

In Defense of Philly

My friend, Phanatic, took exception to my repeated jabs at her hometown of Philadelphia. She's the classiest girl to come out of the City of Brotherly Love since this lady, so she wrote a response in crayon on the back of a Pizza Hut kids placemat. Despite all her typos, I transcribed it the best I could below:

There is a media conspiracy in this country against Philadelphia.  It's designed to help all of the fans of other teams across the country feel better about their inadequacies.  Nothing else could explain how often and how cutthroat the jabs against Philly really are.  Are there drunk and disorderly assholes in New York, Boston and LA?  Of course.  Do you hear about them even half as often?  No.

March Madness Battle of the Sexes Sweet 16

CurlySue somehow nailed 12 of the Sweet 16. I got 7 and my champion, Notre Dame, was eliminated. The Curly One now holds a 50-39 advantage in our competition. She cannot, however, pee while standing. Advantage: Stone.

Trivia Time: 3/21/11 Edition

Sorry I was gone today. I was in Atlantic City causing trouble and blacking out with my buddy Rory, which brings us to today's trivia question. The prize as always is the feeling of success and victory. The answer is after the jump.

In what year was gambling legalized in Atlantic City?

March Madness Battle of the Sexes Round 2

Well, CurlySue takes an early 26-25 lead into Round 2. Beginner's luck. Now, make me a sandwich. Here are the Sweet 16 picks:

Stone: OSU, WVU, Syracuse, UNC, Duke, Texas, UConn, SDSU, Kansas, Louisville, Purdue, Notre Dame, Pitt, Wisconsin, Gonzaga, UCLA

CurlySue: OSU, WVU, Xavier, UNC, Duke, Arizona, UConn, SDSU, Kansas, Richmond, Purdue, Florida St., Pitt, Wisconsin, BYU, Florida

Who's excited for the white-out tomorrow? Brigham Young vs. Gonzaga! Is it snowing? Even I could play in that game. Actually, no. No, I couldn't.

Jabroni of the Week: The Situation

It was a rough week for Sitch. First, he bombed at Donald Trump's roast. I was actually impressed by his performance. He had poise even in the face of a hostile audience that was booing him. The problem was that his jokes were lame. Half of them didn't have punchlines. Don't say that Whitney Cummings is like the girls you used to smoosh before you got famous. Whitney is cool. Plus, she's actually funny. Assuming Sitch didn't write his own jokes, he's either an idiot for not reading them over beforehand and realizing that they suck, or having management that wasn't on top of it from Day 1. If this kid is going to cross into the mainstream like he wants to, it was a terrible first step.

Philly Fans Are Worst, Also Oxygen Is Good

GQ, the country's leading sports magazine, named Philadelphia fans the worst in sports. It also named them the second worst fans in sports. More specifically, it named Eagles and Phillies fans first and second. The Suite also has Philly fans ranked first and second in ugliness, weight, and lack of intelligence. The real surprising thing about the poll is that Flyers fans weren't ranked third. Those guys are assholes, but I guess if I went thirty-five years without a title, I'd be grouchy too. Other notables on the list were the Red Sox (sixth), Duke (eighth), and Cowboys (12th).

GQ

A Day In Hoboken Municipal Court: The State of New Jersey vs. Keith Stone

Last week, I got busted for public urination at the St. Patrick's Day Parade in Hoboken. Since New Jersey is such a classy place, I wasn't able to simply pay a fine and go on my merry way. I had to appear before a judge at Hoboken Municipal Court and face a maximum fine of $2,000. It was not fun.

Vanessa Hudgens: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

You know how I know Zac Efron is gay? He dumped a sexy little freak like Vanessa Hudgens. This week, another naked pic of Vanessa was released. Of course, by the time I found out about it, it was pulled off the Internet. Stupid America and its child pornography rules. Oh yeah, did I mention she was only 17 when the pic was taken? At least some other ones of her making out with another chick are still up. I can't even imagine what this fox is going to be like in a couple of years when her career fizzles out. That Beauty and the Beast movie she was just in looked horrible. You know she totally fucked the guy who played the Beast with all his makeup on. Girl's a freak. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

India Now: An Anecdotal Account Part 4

One of the neighbors in my grandmother’s gated community in Andheri East has a driver. The driver, a member of India’s server class, is impoverished like most of the people in his position. Unlike many of the servants in the community, this driver has a reputation for being reliable. Neighbors frequently complain about other servants stealing from their households and talking maliciously about them behind turned backs. Not this driver. He has received muted praise from the community for the loyalty he shows his employer. The employer, however, offers few compliments, believing that too much appreciation can create unnecessary complacency.

March Madness Battle of the Sexes

I love girls. They're great at making me a sandwich and wasting money on shoes. However, they're not great at being a sports fan. It's fine to have them sit silently in the corner while the game is on, but once they ask what a 3-second violation is, it's time to leave the room. My friend CurlySue fancies herself a different type of chick and has challenged me to a 1-on-1 March Madness bracket competition. It's cute that she thinks she can win by picking teams based on their colors and which city has the best shopping. Scoring per round is 1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 25. I just hope I don't clinch the victory before the Final Four so I can prolong the agony. Once I win, CurlySue has promised to be a Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum Girl. If by some miracle she pulls off the upset, I will stand in the middle of Times Square with a sign admitting that a girl can do more than pump out babies. It's on.

Here are the underdogs that we have getting to the second round:

Stone: Princeton, Georgia, Missouri, Illinois, Florida St., Gonzaga
CurlySue: Villanova, Indiana St., Georgia, Tennessee, Richmond, Morehead St., VCU, Florida St., Gonzaga

LOOK HOW MANY UPSETS THE POOR GIRL PICKED! SOMEBODY NEEDS TO TEACH HER HOW THE SEEDING WORKS!

India Now: An Anecdotal Account Part 3

It is hard to hyperbolize the influence of Bollywood on Indian society. Having grown up unabashedly exposed to Bollywood song and dance as the offspring of non-resident Indians in the United States, I understood the importance that Indians both at home and abroad placed on their cinematic heroes and heroines. One Friday night in Mumbai I joined an extended family outing to see 3 Idiots, the newest fillum starring Aamir Khan. Ever since one of his movies had been nominated for an Academy Award, Aamir Khan had metamorphosed into another one of India’s deities. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s combined stardom pales in comparison to the deference paid to Bollywood superstars. The only apt Western analogy might be the status rock and roll legends once occupied among their fanatical devotees.

STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE BRACKETS!

I'm not a college basketball fan, but March Madness is pretty awesome. Like fantasy football, filling out brackets is a great way for a casual fan to get more involved. But there's always a couple of people that take things way too seriously. If you've ever been at a bar and some dude is cheering loudly for your team and suddenly curses them out because the wrong running back scored a TD, you know what I mean.

Los Trail Blazers?

I was at the gym last night and I looked up at the TV to notice that El Heat were playing Los Spurs, at least according to what the players were wearing. As part of its Noche Latina celebration, the NBA has 12 games scheduled this month with Latin festivities and jerseys. I've complained about uniforms before, but come on, El Heat? That's just ridiculous. According to Altavista, in Spanish, Spurs translates to Estímulos. I'm fine with that. So let's do it the full way or no way. Just remember, in any language Clipper translates to loser.

India Now: An Anecdotal Account Part 2

Jai Mata Di. With those words in the darkness before dawn, we began a pilgrimage to Vaishno Devi in northern India to worship the Hindu goddess Mata Rani. My extended family and I were journeying from Mumbai to the state of Jammu and Kashmir by train, which was to take thirty hours. We approached Bandra station in Mumbai as the first signs of day peaked over the horizon. I knew we were close when greeted by the station’s infamous calling card, the rank smell of sewage.

Wrestling Video of the Week: David Arquette World Heavyweight Champion

Snooki guest-hosted Raw last night and did a decent job. She also worked her way into a match at Wrestlemania XXVII. It's still not greatest guest spot of all-time.

Space Shuttle From 30,000 Feet

The space shuttle Discovery recently made its last voyage into space. Some lucky folks were on a plane at the time and took a video of the launch. Cool beans.

Kid Zangief [UPDATE]

It's been a busy day for fat kid videos. Here, a poor Australian kid is being picked on in school until he goes Street Fighter II on this bully's ass. I've never been so happy to see a child with internal injuries in all my life. Shoulda known better than to mess with a kid that's bigger than you, dumbass.

 

UPDATE: Looks like YouTube is banning the video. You can watch it here.

Charlie Sheen Tweet of the Day RIP 3/1/11-3/14/11

Charlie didn't tweet today. I'm a little worried. Somebody should go up to the Sober Valley Lodge to check on him. Or he might just be having an orgy with the goddesses. I've been in the Suite contemplating my existence on this very sad day. I feel like I can't go on without a Charlie Sheen tweet. Then again, Charlie wouldn't tolerate anything but winning. We all have to be strong together, but unfortunately all great things must come to an end. The Charlie Sheen Tweet of the Day is going the way of Crystal Pepsi and Blockbuster Video. I'm going to miss it.

Fat Kid Loves Nets

The Nets won their fifth straight game today with a 88-79 victory over the Celtics. Nobody was happier than this kid. I wonder if he could beat Shaq in an eating contest.

Trivia Time: 3/14/11 Edition

There's nothing I'd rather be doing right now than coming up with a trivia question for you Suiters. Except be at a wet T-shirt contest. Answer is after the jump.

Which U.S. Spring Break destination had the most visitors last year with over 500,000?

You, Sweetheart, Are A Horrible Person

Lauren Santo Domingo was quoted in last week's New York magazine saying, "I can't even remember the last time I washed my own hair." What a miserable piece of existence. Yeah, you're not washing your hair because it's probably some little girl's hair from Sweden that you're wearing. And you can call me Keith Washington D.C.

India Now: An Anecdotal Account Part 1

I made a trip to India in December 2009 and visited for 3 weeks. This is my account covering the spectrum of life there. It is divided into 4 parts.
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After fifteen hours we finally descended over Mumbai. As I peered into the darkness outside, I noticed that the night was undisturbed by the light pollution one would expect from a major city. As soon as we hit the tarmac, a distinct foreign smell permeated the airplane cabin. Even ten years later it was impossible not to recognize that Indian scent that might be described as a potpourri of concrete rubble, dust, cow manure and some mystery masala. Nervous to meet my relatives again and use Indian bathrooms, I was both suffocated and reassured by the smell.

Spring Break 2011!

I'm not in college anymore but I still like to celebrate Spring Break. As a gift to the millions (AND MILLIONS!) of loyal Suiters that may be stuck in a cubicle this week instead of chilling with runway models like I do on a regular basis, I am giving all of you a free trip to exotic India. No, not an actual trip. This one will take place inside your mind, courtesy of my boy Slumdog. On the plus side, at least you still have functioning toilets.