New Digs

This place is a dump. If you're in the mood for new stories and Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum Girls, check out the fresh redesign at rainmansuite.com.

NBA Playoffs Conference Semifinals Predictions

Bulls over Hawks in 7
Heat over Celtics in 7
Thunder over Grizzlies in 5
Lakers over Mavericks in 7

Stanley Cup Playoffs Conference Semifinals Predictions

Capitals over Lightning in 6
Bruins over Flyers in 7
Canucks over Predators in 7
Red Wings over Sharks in 7

Intermission Report

I'm pretty burned out after being swept by the Celtics so I'm taking the week off. I know that many of you will be unable to survive without finding out who the Jabroni of the Week is, but you're going to have to make due. In the meantime, I'm going to work on redesigning The Suite a bit. Maybe move some sofas around to make room for a jacuzzi.

The Celitcs series was like a dream that turned into a nightmare. To top it off, we still didn't win a playoff game. After 10 years, it's unacceptable. I'm still optimistic. We have two of the top 15 players in the league and they'll have the whole summer to get in sync and add complementary pieces. Usually after one of my teams gets booted from the playoffs, I don't want to think about it. In this case, it's different. I wish they were playing right now. I can't wait until October (or longer). The first time I saw the Knicks lose a playoff series, it was back in 1991 against the Bulls. I still remember my mom trying to explain that the Knicks weren't playing games anymore. I was sad then and I'm sad now. There are still important questions to answer. On the top of the list is whether Donnie Walsh is coming back. He may have his differences with ownership, but he's the man for the job and he needs to finish it. It would be ridiculous not to bring him back. He's intelligent, patient, and resourceful---great qualities for somebody who's putting together a basketball team. Yeah, he's not perfect but nobody is. After that, it has to be decided who's going to coach the team. Coach D didn't do himself any favors by getting swept.

I'll be back next week. Stop complaining. If you need to kill some time, go on Redtube.

Rangers 2011 Postmortem

Capitals 3, Rangers 1
Capitals win series 4-1

The Rangers are like an ugly girl with huge tits. No matter how revolting she is, she's always going to get attention from guys because of those boobies. Henrik Lundqvist is that set of double D's.

Jabroni of the Week: AntiMalware Doctor Virus

I've had my computer for seven and a half years now. That's like 94 in computer years. I love it, though. We've been through a lot over the years. Working on papers till four in the morning. Paris Hilton's sex tape. And of course, The Suite. That's why it broke my heart when my computer came down with the AntiMalware Doctor virus while I was looking for potential Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum Girls.

Emma Roberts: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

 

Scream 4 had its share of detractors but nobody can say anything bad about Emma Roberts. Girl has a killer body. And despite her good girl image, I think she's got a little naughty hidden in there. I really liked Scream 4. It was probably the weakest film of the franchise but I liked the direction it went in. It just didn't get there smoothly. It was long, too self-aware, and tried to be too funny. I'm old fashioned. All I need is a Jamie Kennedy monologue, Rose McGowan's tits, and some kills, and I'm happy. With that said, the ending was great and I liked how the recent spate of horror remakes and celebrity culture played into the movie. And of course, my girl Emma. She beats Aunt Julia anytime. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

PhillieBot Bounces First Pitch, Will Replace Joe Blanton

When I heard that a robot was going to throw out the first pitch at a baseball game, I thought it was pretty cool. I assumed it was one of those crazy Japanese robots that can walk and fall in love and stuff. Then, I found out it was going to throw out the first pitch at a Phillies game and was named PhillieBot. My hopes were considerably lowered. PhillieBot turned out to basically be a catapault, which would have been cool if this was the Dark Ages. Somebody should have told the dorks at UPenn. It couldn't even reach the plate. This seriously may have been the lamest thing I've ever seen besides all the Eagles fans who think their team is going to win the Super Bowl every year. Still better than Carl Lewis though. At least we know robots won't be taking over the world for a while.

Knicks-Celtics Game 3 Quick Reaction

Celtics 113, Knicks 96
Celtics lead series 3-0 

They overwhelmed us from the opening tip. Swallowed us whole. This is what I was worried about from the beginning of the series. The Knicks looked they were trying too hard. They were slow to adjust and rotate on D. Pierce and Allen were hitting their shots. The Celtics were getting every call and bounce but the Knicks didn't do anything to change that. They didn't handle the pressure of hosting their first playoff game in seven years very well. It's disappointing because I was hoping they would come out and crack some heads, but everyone looked tight. The ball was being forced to Amar'e early on and he was pressing a little too much, but he must be hurting. Nobody handled the situation well. Nobody stepped up and took charge. Maybe not having a veteran like Chauncey out there hurt. The only excuse I can offer is that the officiating was poor but that's not a good excuse. I'm not giving up hope on the series. The Knicks have to play with pride on Sunday and match their intensity of the first two games. If they keep the open shots to a minimum, get to every loose ball, and catch a few breaks, they should have a chance...with or without Chauncey and Amar'e.

Olive Garden Is A Sham

I haven't felt this violated since I found out Santa Claus didn't exist. In possibly the most important investigation in its history, Time Magazine revealed that Olive Garden's famous Culinary Institute of Tuscany is really just a hotel where a chef holds an occasional class in the kitchen between sightseeing sessions for Olive Garden employees in scenic Italy. I don't know if I can ever go to Olive Garden ever again. Besides gorging myself on delicious endless breadsticks and salad, I liked knowing that all the chefs went through an intensive years-long program with some of the top cooks in the world. Now I don't know who to believe. Is the McDonald's Hamburger University an accredited four-year school? Is the New York Film Academy really the place where Brett Ratner thinks all aspiring filmmakers should go? Since I'm a forgiving guy, I'll probably end up going back to Olive Garden again but it's going to take some time. At least until the Endless Pasta Bowl.

Time

Michael Vick Regrets Nothing

Michael Vick recently gave an interview to the Wall Street Journal about his endorsement with sports-gear maker Unequal Technologies. When asked if he could change anything about the past, Vick responded that he wished he got less time in jail than his pesky 18-month prison sentence for dogfighting. Not the dogfighting itself, but the jail sentence. What an idiot. Vick still doesn't get it. Even if he doesn't regret the dogfighting, say that you regret drowning and electrocuting those poor dogs. A little success and Vick is slipping from his good-boy personality. Figures that he plays for the Eagles. Let's hope he wins as many games next year.

Huffington Post

How Did Dinosaurs Have Sex?

How did dinosaurs have sex? I thought it was in the amber? Can't wait till Katy Perry makes a video about this.

Slate

Rangers-Capitals Game 4 Quick Reaction

Capitals 4, Rangers 3 (2OT)
Capitals lead series 3-1

That was brutal. Imagine the girl you had a crush on was like "I really just like you as a friend...wait actually...no just like a friend...wait actually...no just a friend." That's what this game was like. I didn't think anything would be worse than the DeSean Jackson Eagles game but this was worse. Same scenario. We were up by three scores. First one they got back, it was because of a lack of effort. The second one was a bit of luck. And that third one. The backbreaker. They just worked for it. But then, they didn't go for the kill right away. They let us hang around for an extra two periods. Gave us hope. And then pulled it away. It just hurts because after Boudreau's comments the other day, we were really letting him hear it. It was personal. I can't bear the thought of him leaving the Garden with a smile on his face. The Rangers were plain overconfident. They kicked ass in the second period but forgot the game was still going on in the third. The first goal they gave up was total carelessness and it gave the Caps the momentum to get back into the game. It's going to be tough to win in Washington but that's two third period-leads the Rangers have blown in the series so it's far from being a beatdown. The Rangers have survived every time they've been counted out this season. Hopefully, this is another of those times.

Dodgeball Is Safe Again!

On Tuesday, the New York State Health Department released a list of dangerous games for children that included kickball, dodgeball, tag, and capture the flag. If any summer programs featured one of these activities, it would be considered a summer camp and subject to more regulations and fees. After much criticism and their friends probably calling them idiots, the Health Dept. said they would review the list and did what anybody else would do: blame the blind guy, as in former Gov. Dave Patterson. The people in the Health Dept. obviously were never asked to play games as kids and are now trying to take their childhood rage out on 10-year-olds.

Really, how dangerous is capture the flag? You look for the flag, you find it, and try to run it back to your side. Is that more dangerous than going up a flight of stairs? Maybe all summer programs should be conducted in one-story bulldings (with all the walls padded of course). This is why our society is becoming so wimpy. Let kids fall. Let them get tough. Then, if they lose their job or a girl breaks their heart, they won't become an whiny alcoholic who brings a gun into work. Life isn't all candy canes and hundred-dollar bills, sweetheart. Sometimes you have to just get some balls in your face.

CBS New York

What's Stephon Marbury Up To?

All this talk about the Knicks losing made me think of Stephon Marbury. Sports magazine GQ has an interesting article about his time in China. And it appears he got the word "China" tattooed on his arm. I wouldn't expect anything less.

Mauer & Polamalu For Head & Shoulders?

They kept showing this commercial during the Knicks game and it was pissing me off. Why are Joe Mauer and Troy Polamalu doing a shampoo commercial together? What do the two have in common? Polamalu's got the hair, but is Mauer's hair really that special for them to make a nonsensical ad together? Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?

Knicks-Celtics Game 2 Quick Reaction

Celtics 96, Knicks 93
Celtics lead series 2-0

That was another heartbreaker. It hurts more than the first game because they really shouldn't have been hanging around without Big Shot and Amar'e. Jeffries didn't make the best move ever on the final play but what do you expect from him? If anything, my big criticism is why is Roger Mason in the game? He did make a big 3 but Landry Fields was playing OK and isn't afraid to put the ball on the floor out there. The Knicks played valiantly. Carmelo was awesome, not only scoring but rebounding, playing D, and getting his teammates involved. Rondo created some problems and the big guys need to help out better although that does leave some of the perimeter guys open. Besides that, the defense has been really good. The guys are shifting and contesting every shot. If the team was healthy, I'd predict a big Game 3 but I'm afraid especially with Amar'e hurt. I liked the way Toney ran the team. It was quick and upbeat but he needs to stay out of foul trouble. Still, you miss Big Shot's experience. The crowd is going to need to come up huge for Game 3.

Kemba Walker Reads First Book

Kemba Walker, the UConn guard who led his team to the NCAA Title and is preparing to graduate after three years at school, recently realized another major life accomplishment: he read his first book. According to Sports Illustrated, Forty Million Dollar Slaves: The Rise, Fall, and Redemption of the Black Athlete by William C. Rhoden is admittedly the first book Kemba has read from cover-to-cover upon recommendation from an academic counselor. My personal first was The Little Engine That Could so I give Kemba a lot of credit for picking a tough one to start with. Apparently, you don't need to do much reading to get your sociology degree at UConn. I figured he would have majored in something easier like recreational studies. I think that's what Van Wilder did.

ESPN

Simpsons Video of the Week: Homer Eats God

With Homer desperate for tickets to the big football game, he turns to God for help. Unfortunately, he ends up violating the Eleventh Commandment: "Thou shall not eat God."

Life-Size Barbie Hotter Than Regular Girls Despite Lack Of Hands

I think I'm in love. As part of National Eating Disorders Awareness Week (more food for me), Galia Slayen created a life-size doll representing what Barbie would look like if she were a real person. Barbie's measurements are 39/18/33, so I don't see what the problem is. She's not going to dominate the conversation, has a flawless complexion, and look at that rack. We just need the guy from Edward Scissorhands to make some hands for her that aren't scissors and my future wife is ready. Yeah, I like to hold hands because I'm a romantic. Barbie, come holler at me in The Suite.

MSNBC